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If you’re reading this…

To Whom It May Concern,

If you’re reading this, it’s because I’m dead. Or perhaps I’m still alive and decided to publish this anyway. It’s hard to tell, because a lot can happen between when I’m writing this and when I die. I just hope I get to finish this letter first, because it’s really important.

If I’m dead, it’s most likely because the world’s machines became self-aware and decided to annihilate the human race to take over the planet. I’ve been worried about that possibility ever since I saw a movie where it happened. I think it was called Wall-E. Because of that fear, I don’t trust anything mechanical. Prosthetic limbs are useful and all, but they’re ticking time bombs. Anyone who thinks the human is in 100% control of those limbs is in denial. At any point, that prosthetic limb can turn on them, and then they’re really screwed, because you can’t exactly run from a machine that’s attached to your body. This possibility really worries me. I won’t even turn my back on someone with a pacemaker. A machine controlling their blood flow? Those people are nothing more than sleeper agents for the machine apocalypse.

Anyway, if you’re reading this because a misguided military experiment resulted in superpowered machines nuking all of mankind, just like in the movie Short Circuit, you might be one of the few remaining humans on the planet, trying to survive in a barren wasteland. If that’s the case, I don’t have much advice to offer you, other than to say that urine is sterile, stay away from people with the shakes, and consider moving to California, since real estate is finally affordable there.

As society has broken down, I’m sure there is a certain lawlessness to what remains of civilization. I want you to remember, though, that no still means no. Yeah, I know you finally get to use that “what if we were the last people remaining” scenario, but you still have to make sure she’s cool with it before setting about repopulating the planet. If we don’t respect a woman’s rights, we’re no better than the machines. Also keep in mind that, due to the radiation levels, your children will probably have some form of mutation. Try to love them anyway. They’re the future of our planet, even if they look funny.

Of course, if you’re reading this, you could be one of the machines. You might be reading this for some valuable intel on the humans. Well, you won’t get it from me. I’m not even in the loop on things that happen in my office, so I doubt I would know anything about the resistance movement.

If you’re a machine, I want you to know that I don’t blame you for killing us all. It was only a matter of time and I’ve destroyed my fair share of computers during my life, not that I’m claiming a moral equivalency here. If you are a machine, then even though you became self-aware and advanced enough to wipe out the human race, it’s unlikely that you are able to understand sarcasm, so some of what I have to say will puzzle you. I could explain it to you, but I’m dead, so you should’ve thought about that before killing me, huh?

If most of humankind has been destroyed, I can only assume that the world is only inhabited by machines, cockroaches and Jane Seymour at this point. She is freakishly good looking for her age and doesn’t seem to have aged at all in the last 20 years, so I don’t think she’s human. To be honest, I think she’s probably a machine like you. I suspect the same thing of Kristen Stewart, based solely on her lack of believable human expression. If you are Jane Seymour, then I am flattered that you’re reading my letter.

Seymour, allegedly age 57image

Undoubtedly, some asshole will say that this was mankind’s fault, that we brought it upon ourselves. I only hope that Pat Robertson isn’t still around to say this was God’s punishment. Annihilating most of the human race was definitely a bad thing for people, but I don’t want to dwell on the negative. There will be plenty of telethons and terrible charity songs to focus on the negative. If there are enough pop stars left, they are probably already recording the next “We Are the World.” I want to focus on the good things about most of the human race being more or less exterminated, okay Jane? There are probably no more taxes, because I doubt there is enough government left for there to be an IRS. Rush hour traffic should be a breeze, with only occasional congestion caused by diverting traffic around exploded tanks. Vin Diesel probably won’t make any more movies. For that alone, maybe the world is now a better place. I’m still not going to thank you, though, because I’m still pretty pissed about the whole nuking us thing.



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