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My Suicidal Dog

Not long ago, I adopted a puppy named Kaylee, an adorable beagle mix. She is the sweetest, most affectionate dog I have ever met. She is definitely a handful, though, because her previous owners never trained her, and also because she is a puppy with an endless supply of energy. Worst of all, though, is the fact that she is so bent on doing things that will harm her that she almost seems suicidal. Seriously, all she needs is bad poetry and obnoxious emo music.

Before I adopted Kaylee, I prided myself on how well I puppy-proofed my apartment. My parents laughed, saying that puppy-proofing a home is impossible. They were right. It turns out that she can reach a lot higher than I thought, which let her chew up all of my mail, books and lots of other things. The good news is that if they ever invent a professional basketball league for dogs (NDBA), my dog would would make a fortune. Of course, at home the leaping ability isn’t such a good thing. Also, one time I accidentally left the bathroom door open when I went out to the store. After rummaging through the bathroom long enough, she somehow found a roach trap and decided to chew on it.

She has a stuffed squeaky snake, a stuffed squeaky rabbit, rawhide bones, other types of bones, a tennis ball and various treats, yet what she decides to chew on while I’m away is a tiny container of poison. When I got home, I freaked out. After calling the vet, though, they assured me that she would be fine. The pesticide in the roach trap is the same thing as the flea medication that I give her every month. I’m really not sure if that should have comforted me.

Yesterday, she tried to hurt herself again. Before taking a shower, I gave her very simple instructions. “I’m leaving you alone for a few minutes. Don’t get into any trouble.” Maybe she misunderstood, because within a few seconds of closing the bathroom door, I could hear her running around. While showering, I could hear a loud crash. I quickly rinsed off and came out of the room to see her lying on the floor chewing something. I thought it was some plastic from a bag or bubble packaging. When I took it out of her mouth, it sliced my finger open, which is when I realized she was chewing on a shard of broken glass!

I quickly rushed her to the far end of the room and thoroughly inspected her for cuts and blood, but found nothing. I then put her in the pet carrier while I cleaned up the broken glass remains of a tumbler that she had knocked off of the counter. It was then that I realized that I don’t own any of the following:

1. bandages
2. broom
3. dust pan

So I used a mop to shove glass pieces into a bag while I was bleeding everywhere. Then when I got all of the big pieces of glass picked up, I vacuumed the floor. I then ran to Target to buy bandages, a broom and dust pan, while Kaylee whined in the dog carrier, not knowing why she was suddenly being confined. I then swept the kitchen, vacuumed again, and then mopped the floor before letting her out and checking her again for injuries. Somehow, it seems that she didn’t hurt herself, but I will be closely monitoring her for bloody stool, vomit, cough or anything else. In the meantime, I will live in constant fear of the possibility that she swallowed glass and has internal bleeding. And all of this is after three weeks of puppy ownership. This dog may be the death of me.

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  1. June 29, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    And this? Right here? Is why I have a cat. The worst Remy does is sit on the kitchen table. But then he’s a well-behaved cat as far as cats go.

    I’m glad Kaylee’s not hurt. I know you worry, but dogs are surprisingly resilient. But you’re a puppy daddy now, so I can understand the worry. She’s just very curious. Every tiny thing you own is completely new to her and warrants exploring…which sometimes involves chewing. You’re doing fine. 🙂

    • June 30, 2011 at 3:21 pm

      Yes, cats are much lower maintenance. She’s still doing fine, though, so I’m no longer worried about the glass. Until next time…

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