Home > Silver Screen > Late Summer Movie Guide: July-August

Late Summer Movie Guide: July-August

The end of July is a little late to have a guide to summer movies, but I didn’t have this website at the beginning, so bear with me.

Summer is the time of year when all of the terrible, mindless blockbusters come out. I’m sure somewhere out there Al Gore says that Global Warming is to blame. Perhaps it’s because the heat drains our energy so much that we don’t want to use the energy to think. Perhaps we’re so hot we’ll sit in an air conditioned theater and watch any movie, even one starring Ryan Reynolds. In any case, here’s your guide to the big movies for the end of July and August.

 Still Playing for Some Reason

Green Lantern: The ever-annoying Ryan Reynolds stars as a guy who finds a ring, which gives him the ability to fly, wear a CGI jumpsuit, and fight Eric Stoltz’s character from The Mask. The ring has the power to do anything imaginable, including erase the pain of watching a Ryan Reynolds movie.

Captain America: A scrawny kid lets people inject him with a drug that makes him a super-strong badass. He goes on to become a cultural hero. I’m pretty sure this is an allegory for the life of Barry Bonds. In any case, it should inspire steroid users for years to come.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon: Here Michael Bay takes a real artistic leap by making a movie about giant robots that destroy architecture and blow stuff up. As a bonus, rumor has it that the movie perfectly syncs with a Pink Floyd album.

Zookeeper: Every indication is that this movie is as funny as your average Kevin James project. James plays a zookeeper who can communicate with animals. Like other humans, though, none have the heart to tell him she should give up acting.

Friends with Benefits: Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher star as two friends who decided to be casual sex partners, which has the unexpected consequence of them developing feelings. Wait, sorry. That was No Strings Attached. In this movie, instead of Natalie and Ashton having sex, you can watch Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. Of course, Mila uses a body double, so you’re not actually watching her. Better yet, in Black Swan you can watch Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis having sex with each other, so why don’t you just watch that again instead?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows-Part 2: In the second part of the finale, Harry is finally able to throw the cursed wand into the fires of Mount Doom, preventing Voldemort from unleashing an army of vampires. Or I think that’s what happens.

July 29

Cowboys and Aliens: No one knows what this movie is about. It’s a mystery.

The Smurfs: Most critics agree that this movie is rather “smurfy.” Unfortunately, no one has a fucking clue what that means.

August

The Change-Up: In a refreshingly original comedy, a family man and a partying bachelor accidentally swap bodies in this uproarious adventure.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes: We’re still not sure if this series is racist, promotes equality or is Darwinian propaganda. What we do know is that the Weta Workshop makes cool-looking apes, so do you really need more than that?

Conan the Barbarian: The target audience for this remake is a) people who like seeing half-naked men sword fight (i.e. 300 fans), b) people looking for a good Halloween costume and c) confused Team Coco fans.

Final Destination 5 (in 3-D!): Critics complained that this series didn’t have enough depth. The producers have listened, adding a whole third dimension to the formula of teens cheating death and then dying one by one.

Fright Night: This movie should satisfy your craving for a remake and your craving for vampires. Here, a high school student learns that his neighbor is a vampire, but instead of brooding and sparkling in the daylight, this one kills people and drinks their blood.

Unfortunately, you’ll have to wait until November for…

Jack and Jill: This is the movie where Adam Sandler should finally earn that elusive Oscar. He plays not only the main character, Jack, but also his twin sister, Jill, which gives him the opportunity to dress in drag and talk in a girl’s voice. It’s comedy gold, folks. Also, I think both characters are mildly retarded (though it’s hard to tell with Sandler), which should impress Oscar voters.

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