Home > Silver Screen > Captain America Review: Or Why Steroids Are Awesome

Captain America Review: Or Why Steroids Are Awesome

Got roids?

In an era where performance-enhancing drugs have become so stigmatized, it’s great to see a film that boldly takes on a pro-juicing message. Captain America: The First Avenger is just that bold film. It’s the tale of Steve Rogers (Chris Evans), a scrawny kid that is unable to live his dream because of his small stature and lack of strength. After injecting a special serum, though, he becomes super strong and fast, gains confidence and then blossoms into an American icon. Basically, it’s an allegory for the life of Barry Bonds.

The film starts out with scientists in the Arctic discovering Captain America’s frozen body in a tease for the most unnecessary “surprise” ending in history. The rest of the movie is a flashback, where we see little Steve unable to enlist or get the attention of women because he has not yet become a buff steroid-user. Inexplicably, the scientist who gives him the roids stresses how important it is that Rogers not change who he is on the inside. However, what was on the inside was not enough for women or his country until it was matched with a stronger exterior, so he’s a big hypocrite.

Instead of being put into action, though, the government puts the super soldier Captain America to work selling war bonds at rallies. He performs on a stage show where he is flanked by dancers and knocks out a Hitler impersonator. Then at some point the tour goes to Italy, where Captain America performs for the servicemen. The cynic might wonder why the government is trying to sell war bonds to deployed soldiers, but the scriptwriter just needed a reason to put Captain America on base. While there, he learns about a captured unit and then goes to rescue them, paving a way for his pretend heroics to become actual heroics.

Along the way, Cap is aided by Agent Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell), whose greatest asset to the war effort is finding a military uniform that is perfectly tailored to her body. Cap’s nemesis is Agent Smith Johann Schmidt, who finds an alien Rubik’s Cube that gives him the power to, um… that’s not clear, but it has really bright lights, like a Pink Floyd concert.

We learn that Rogers wasn’t the first guy to try to super soldier steroids. Schmidt was, and something went wrong with his test, causing him get bad roid rage and end up with a red Skeletor face. I suppose that serves as a cautionary tale, that steroids can turn you into a hero, but they’re not for everyone.

36C in 3-D

A movie like Captain America isn’t really about the plot, though. It’s about the action and visuals. The audience gets to watch Cap do cool things like punch people and throw his shield in “real 3-D.” The movie even apes the speeder bike chase from Return of the Jedi, which is great because Star Wars fans can’t see that in 3-D (yet).

There’s something for everyone in Captain America. If you’re not into steroids, shields being thrown at the screen or magical glowing Rubik’s cubes, there is still Carter’s red dress. In one scene, Carter walks into a bar and makes the jaw of every serviceman drop. It’s probably because the well-endowed actress was doing her best Joan Holloway impression in a form-fitting dress. The 3-D affect enhanced her figure, making her bust literally pop out of the screen. And if you’re not into that, you can enjoy Chris Evans’s pecs in 3-D, which did a great job of making me feel inadequate as a man. No matter what you’re looking for, you can find it in this great summer movie, unless it’s a good script. Perhaps there’s a performance-enhancing drug for writers…

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  1. Daniel
    August 7, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    With all the negative effects of steroids that would be the last drug I would consider taking. The side effects are down right scary!

  2. D
    May 24, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    Steroid side effects always come from either abuse, incorrect usage or being sold a gimmick, their harms have been exaggerated like crazy by the government for the phony war on drugs, the “harms” of steroids cannot even compare to the harms of nicotine or alcohol. Gyms are full of steroids but fewer are dropping dead from taking them than from lightning strikes, and even less would if they didnt have to go underground to get their product.

  3. digitalwarluck
    July 6, 2014 at 6:51 pm

    Ok first of all try to be more accurate if your writing a review. Second dont try to gov Rodgers a bad image, you are looking at everything all wrong.

    1.Rodgers was able to get the attention of Carter even when he was small. 2. It didnt give Rodgers anymore confidence, you see in the movie hes extremely confident even when small (hence the back alley fight). 3. It wasn’t hypocritical of the Dr. to tell Rodgers to stay the same INSIDE. Hes morals, passion, confidence, bravery, and other character traits is what makes him the best soldier not the serum. If it was only based on the serum Red Skull would have won since he took it and was a more muscular man to begin with. In theory the serum may have only worked right on him so far because of the man he is on the inside. 4. Rodgers took the serum (not steroid) for a reason unlikely any one else takes steroids. He didn’t do it to unfairly gain advantage in competition, he didnt do it to get big enough for a media reason (movie, magazine cover, ect.), he didnt do it to inflate his own ego, he didnt do it to look big in the gym, he took it to make a self sacrifice and do what he can to help his country and in turn help the world win over the evil Nazis. 5. Unlike steroids the serum was a mystery to Rodgers, it wasn’t like he knew the exact pros and cons. He risked his own health and life. Steroid users know what they are getting into and they do it for the wrong reasons (assuming its not needed for a medical condition). He took a leap into the unknown in the hopes to better himself for the good of the country (and again, in turn the world). His act was the opposite of a steroid users act, it was bravery not a cowardly act.

  4. digitalwarluck
    July 6, 2014 at 6:55 pm

    Ok first of all try to be more accurate if your writing a review. Second dont try to gov Rodgers a bad image, you are looking at everything all wrong.
    1.Rodgers was able to get the attention of Carter even when he was small. 2. It didnt give Rodgers anymore confidence, you see in the movie hes extremely confident even when small (hence the back alley fight). 3. It wasn’t hypocritical of the Dr. to tell Rodgers to stay the same INSIDE. Hes morals, passion, confidence, bravery, and other character traits is what makes him the best soldier not the serum. If it was only based on the serum Red Skull would have won since he took it and was a more muscular man to begin with. In theory the serum may have only worked right on him so far because of the man he is on the inside. 4. Rodgers took the serum (not steroid) for a reason unlikely any one else takes steroids. He didn’t do it to unfairly gain advantage in competition, he didnt do it to get big enough for a media reason (movie, magazine cover, ect.), he didnt do it to inflate his own ego, he didnt do it to look big in the gym, he took it to make a self sacrifice and do what he can to help his country and in turn help the world win over the evil Nazis. 5. Unlike steroids the serum was a mystery to Rodgers, it wasn’t like he knew the exact pros and cons. He risked his own health and life. Steroid users know what they are getting into and they do it for the wrong reasons (assuming its not needed for a medical condition). He took a leap into the unknown in the hopes to better himself for the good of the country (and again, in turn the world). His act was the opposite of a steroid users act, it was bravery not a cowardly act.

  5. Dave
    September 1, 2017 at 3:46 pm

    Hey digitalwarluck, the actor DID take steroids for the PURPOSE of making a movie.That is the reality..

  1. May 14, 2012 at 5:15 pm

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