Home > Musings > Why turning 31 made me worry about Keanu Reeves

Why turning 31 made me worry about Keanu Reeves

I had a birthday recently, so I spent it like I spend most of my birthdays: ratcheting up my self-hatred by examining how little I accomplished in the last year of my life. For some, a birthday gives a sense of renewal and a look ahead to everything you will accomplish in the next year. To me, it’s a time to remind myself that I didn’t accomplish anything since the last next year.

I am 31 now, which means I’m not even 30 anymore. I’m now thirty something. At this point, I wanted to be married with kids, a dog, a nice house, and a good job. I would be working at home as a novelist or screenwriter. How much of that have I accomplished? Well, I have a dog. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, yes, my wife would be Kate Beckinsale (if you’ve been reading me for a while, you already knew that).

Maybe I should look at the positives instead. Sure, I haven’t published a novel or sold a screenplay yet, but I have done a lot of Internet website blog writing where I learned how to use search engine optimized SEO keywords for online Internet website writing pages. I’m still single, but at least I haven’t gotten divorced. I don’t have any kids, but I haven’t had any kids abducted, either. I don’t own a house, but that means I haven’t been foreclosed on. I may not have a good job, but that means I won’t care if I’m fired.

Realizing I’m a year older also makes me think about my own mortality. I’m confident about where I will go when I die and I’m not worried about it. I am kind of worried about the corpse that will be left behind, though. Most people are buried. I don’t want that and would rather be cremated. For one thing, we have a finite amount of land on Earth and an infinite number of people, since people (other than me) are reproducing and all of those people (except Keanu Reeves) will eventually die. Do the math. We’ll eventually run out of places to bury people, and the last thing I want is to double up and have a grave roommate.

The other reason I want to be cremated, though, is much more important: Protection against zombification. Think about it. The chance of a cremated person coming back as a zombie is 0%. If everyone was cremated, the chance of a zombie apocalypse would be drastically reduced. I want to be cremated not only for the safety of others, but also because I don’t want to walk the earth as a mindless, soulless shell of a body. I don’t know how John Mayer does it. Even if it was possible for your ashes to be reanimated, I don’t think you could hurt anyone. The worst you could do as an ash zombie would be make someone sneeze or get thrown in their eyes if it’s windy.

If I can’t be a famous writer or a happily-married man, I guess I can still live a fulfilling life. The key to me is to do good. I want to have a positive impact on the lives of the people I meet. While for the most part I have failed at that, I have changed some lives for the better. For example, I know a lot of women who have seen their lives improve by breaking up with me.

So I guess as I journey through life as a 31 year old, it is best to look at the positives. It will be a new experience, but I suppose it’s one worth trying. It certainly beats worrying about my zombie corpse engaged in an eternal battle with Keanu Reeves over who gets to be in Point Break 2: Point Breaker.

Categories: Musings Tags: , , ,
  1. August 29, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    Don’t worry, think of all the cool stuff old people have. I wish I could just skip the next 30 years. http://wp.me/p1Cvgh-9X Happy Birthday by the way.

    • August 29, 2011 at 3:36 pm

      Haha. I never thought of it that way. Thanks.

  2. October 13, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    A few years late here, but I’m currently 31. Same position, No house, no marriage. I think if I was married, I may be unhappy that I wasn’t single. Oh well.

    • October 13, 2013 at 2:48 pm

      I guess no matter what we have we’ll be disappointed by the things we don’t. Oh, and I do have a house nowadays, so I got to check one more off…

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