Home > Musings > Your boobs are really distracting

Your boobs are really distracting


For all of our sophistication, from sending manned spacecraft to the moon, to rebuilding a car engine, to operating the West Coast offense, men are still very simple creatures. You can put us in a suit, sit us at a desk and make us shave, but you can’t change the fact that most of the time we operate on primal instinct. Never is that more apparent than how easily some things distract us, no matter what we’re supposed to be doing or thinking.

Like sharks, we are attracted to shiny objects. Remember the movie Grease? Olivia Newton-John played a plain-Jane type of character who was having problems with her boyfriend and her self-esteem. How was it solved? By pulling on some shiny, skintight disco jeans at the end of the movie. Then she was suddenly irresistible to the then-cool-and-not-crazy-Scientologist John Travolta and was the hottest girl in the school. Every guy in the school dropped what they were doing, distracted by her, and stared at the new-look Olivia. Though it wasn’t shown in the movie, I’m pretty sure some poor students were killed by an out of control carnival ride because the carnie was watching Olivia instead of paying attention. Those kids are dead because of the shiny pants! I hope you’re happy, Frenchy!

Need more proof? What about that girl friend that you were never attracted to but you accompanied to that concert that one time? She decided to be a huge cliché and dress as a “rocker chick” for the concert by wearing tight leather pants. You’d never been attracted to her before, but suddenly you wanted to bang her. Maybe you did (high five!) but were then no longer attracted to her the next day when she dressed normal (I hope she’s forgiven by now).

NBA cheerleaders, strippers, trophy girls and virtually every other female sexualized performer dresses in shiny things (leather, spandex, sequins, etc.) because men are attracted to shiny things. In strip clubs, the distraction works so well that men, not paying attention, make the stupid decision of giving a woman money just for being naked when at home, they have access to the Internet (you know, that huge library of nakedness). No one knows why; that’s just how it is. Women are also attracted to shiny things, but for them it is diamonds.

That’s just how men are wired. Our primal instinct takes control of our rational brain without warning. If you’re having an important discussion with us while football is on, it better be during commercial break. The discussion may be about a death in the family, but once the whistle blows, our primal brain takes over. We can’t listen because we’re busy watching guys hit each other.

“Honey, I’m sorry to hear about your dad. He was always — damn, what a hit! Did you see that? I hope Brady has a concussion!”

Sorry, Salma. Were you talking about world peace?

There is no other distraction in the world that can rival a woman’s breasts, though. Again, no one really knows why. I saw a documentary where they attempted to scientifically explain men’s attraction to cleavage, but I don’t know what they said because there were boobs on the TV screen.

Women know that guys look at their boobs, but what they don’t know is that, with the exception of the creepy guys who stare, it’s totally involuntary. If I am doing yard work and nice cleavage comes into my peripheral vision, there’s a high risk of me sawing my hand off. In fact, I think this is something that insurance adjusters should take into consideration:

“What’s going on here? You doubled my insurance costs!”

“Yes, sir. That’s correct.”

“Why? The factory didn’t suddenly get more dangerous.”

“Actually, we have received word that the new secretary is a D-cup. I’m sorry, but the risk of you being distracted while running the machinery is too high.”

Not paying attention to cleavage is like keeping your eyes open while you sneeze. I’m not certain it’s possible, but if so it takes 100% of your concentration. Sometimes you’re around someone whose boobs you don’t want to check out, because they’re your friend, your boss, or that girl who gave your brother syphilis. The truth is, if that person is talking to me while displaying cleavage I can’t hear a word that’s being said, because I’m only concentrating on not looking. Even then, sometimes I fail:

Uh huh, yeah, that’s a good point. We definitely need to maximize that revenue stream by – damn, check out that rack – shit, what did she just say? Now I’m lost. Why did she have to lean forward?

It happens to the best of us. Or at least I hope it’s not just me.

  1. October 5, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    So, when faced with a full frontal, is this all you hear? “Blah, blah, blah, Jeremy. Blah, blah, blah, jeremy. Blah, blah.” Just like my dog, when there’s a tennis ball in my hand.

    • October 5, 2012 at 9:39 pm

      Yeah, I’d say that’s pretty accurate. And it’s gotten me into trouble.

      “But you promised!”
      “What? When did I do that?”
      “Last night in bed.”
      “Not fair! You were naked. You know I had no clue what you’re saying.”

      • October 6, 2012 at 3:08 pm

        Well, we all know men are ‘visual’ creatures. So you are spot on in your response to the tittilating female physique. Oh, and the whole ‘droll’ comment was a backhanded compliment. Sorry – much of that diatribe was due to the pickling process caused by excess intake of chardonnay. Oops. I paid for my sins. Copiously.

  1. July 10, 2012 at 9:03 pm

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