Home > Musings > Bear Kills Killer, Dies

Bear Kills Killer, Dies

Dramatization (to protect real bear’s identity)

The world lost a hero week, a bear named – well, I don’t know because bears usually don’t have names. It’s all the fault of a prick named Rory Wagner. The bear had to be euthanized after eating Wagner, who is a convicted murderer. This bizarre story, as you can imagine, happened in Canada.

Wagner was convicted of second degree murder in 1994 and upon his release was living in Kamloops, British Columbia. I assume this is somewhere in the wilderness because a) he was eaten by a bear and b) I assume all of Canada is in the wilderness. In any case, on May 23 Wagner was sitting in his log cabin, drinking Molson Ice while watching a hockey game, when he had to go outside to pee (that is because Canada doesn’t have indoor plumbing). Wager was never seen again until his remains were found in the snow alongside a Nickelback CD.

On June 3, his remains were found at a scene covered in bear fur and claw marks. Wildlife officials found a bear that appeared to have killed and eaten Wagner and had to euthanize him. Environment Minister Terry Lake said this is because bears remember food sources. Though there’s no quote in the AP article, I’d like to believe that Lake quoted the Anthony Hopkins movie The Edge and said something like “once they taste our blood, they are a man-eater for life!” But he probably didn’t because no one can quote that awful movie.

Wagner did his time for murder, got out, and was responsible for a bear’s death. And it died because it killed a killer. Wagner’s like the serial killer in The Frighteners who gets the electric chair but continues his killing spree from beyond the grave because he’s too much of an ass to let something like death stop his killing. And now PETA is upset for the first time. They were okay with Wagner murdering a person because the victim might have eaten a steak or worn a leather belt, but getting a bear killed is where they draw the line.

What bothers me is the story about the bear being euthanized because bears “remember food sources.” That’s a pretty flimsy story. We all know the truth. This was a vigilante killing. The bear wasn’t happy about a killer being on the loose and, Dexter-style, decided to put an end to him. And now a hero that wants to keep the streets of Canada safe is dead. Why? Because this bear was no lone wolf. He was part of an elite bear-assassin squad.

Think about it. If the Canadian government wanted to conduct covert assassinations, what better way than to disguise them as random bear attacks? This bear was a patriot, who dedicated his life to keeping Canucks safe, but after the media caught onto Wagner’s death, he became a liability. The government had to have him killed for the good of the country. This bear is a martyr and deserves your respect.

Categories: Musings Tags: ,
  1. Axel
    July 15, 2012 at 12:27 am

    Thats quite something 🙂

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