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What will happen at the Batman midnight movie

I don’t know if you noticed, but apparently a new Batman movie comes out tomorrow. It’s gotten hardly any media attention, so I understand if you didn’t know. For some reason, a lot of people will see it at midnight tonight, because that’s the earliest time the theaters can show the movie (aside from special screenings). Anyone going to a midnight screening is basically saying “I’ve waited four years for this movie already, but I cannot possibly wait one more day.” I think I’ve only been to a midnight screening once, but I can still predict what your experience will be like if you see The Dark Knight Rises tonight.

10:00

You arrive for the movie at 10:00. What? You didn’t think you’d show up close to midnight, did you? No way. You are seeing the movie with people that are so impatient that they can’t wait until a normal time on Friday, so there will be a line. A long line.

You stand in line. Hopefully enough of your friends showed up together so you have someone to talk to. If not, you’ll get to know the fanboy in front of you pretty well, as he tells you all of the spoilers that he read online. Yes, please. You’ve been waiting four years for this movie; by all means, ruin it hours beforehand with spoilers. Then you have two options:

Option A: Punch fanboy in the mouth for spoiling the ending by saying that Bane breaks Batman’s back and kills him*. Get arrested. Miss the movie. See it tomorrow with the normal people.

Option B: Silently sulk over fanboy ruining the movie. Plan to get revenge by throwing buttery popcorn into his hair during the movie.

11:50

You get excited as the line lurches forward. You get up off the concrete and realize something sticky is on your jeans. You hope it’s soda. You spend the next 15 minutes slowly inching your way forward.

12:05

After finally getting to the front of that long line, you are excited to be free. Then you are quickly ensnared by the wonderful aroma of movie theater popcorn. You want to ignore it, but it’s no use. You then get in another long line at the concession stand.

12:15

You are talked into upgrading to a large popcorn and large drink. You pass the required credit check and pay approximately $45 for your treats. As soon as you pick up the popcorn, the top layer of food spills onto the floor. You estimate that you just lost about $7 worth of food.

12:20

Oh, did you think you were done standing in line? You now have the line right in front of the Dark Knight Rises theater. Each person has to show their ticket stub to get in. You balance your drink between your chin and your chest while holding your popcorn in one hand and your ticket stub in the other. You spill more popcorn on the floor.

12:30

Finally inside the theater for your showing, you look around for empty seats. The only seats left are in the front row. You and your friends sit there, straining your neck to look almost directly up as the last of the trailers roll. You try to put your drink in the cup holder, but it is too large. You then hold the cold, wet drink between your legs, numbing your lap. Once the film begins, it is apparent that you are sitting too close for your brain to interpret the action. All actions onscreen are a blur. You disappointedly abandon your plan to throw popcorn in fanboy’s hair.

1:00

Anne Hathaway appears onscreen for the first time as Catwoman, dressed head to toe in skintight black leather. You try to conceal your erection but your friend notices and a picture of it ends up on Instagram.

1:20

You notice that there has been an annoying glow behind you during the whole movie. Turning around, you see a man recording the movie with his cell phone. You get in front of the camera and flip the bird, happy that your middle finger will appear on pirated copies of the movie all around the world.

1:30

You have to pee. Normally you can wait until after the movie, but this time you’ve been waiting since 10:00. Begrudgingly, you get up and use the restroom. When you return, you ask what you missed. Your friends tell you to shush and say something bad about your mother.

1:45

Whoa, what the hell? That doesn’t make sense. What’s going on? Confused, you ask your friend. He says “while you were in the bathroom…oh, nevermind.” You spend the rest of the movie trying to figure out what’s going on.

3:20

You are startled by an abrupt shaking and you knock your remaining popcorn onto the floor. You open your eyes and look at your friend, bewildered. “Man, how long have you been sleeping?” he asks. You have no idea.

“I can’t believe you missed the end. It was amazing. I can’t believe they did that. Totally shocking.”

“What? What happened? Did Batman die?*”

You then decide you don’t want anyone to tell you. No spoilers, please. You don’t want the end ruined for when you see the movie again tomorrow with the normal people.

* That’s not a real spoiler. I have no idea whether Batman dies in the movie. I suspect that he doesn’t.

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  1. July 19, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    HAHAH! So that is what a midnight showing for a popular show is like. Ever been to one of a really bad movie? I guess I should beware that no one takes and instagram of my…

    I can’t believe you told us that Batman dies. Now I have to throw popcorn in your hair.

  2. shadow
    July 20, 2012 at 11:28 pm

    Popcorn would have a small price to pay considering what happened in the Colorado movie theater .What a horrible tragedy! Prayers ,sorrow,and tears will be around for a long time.

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