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Dear Michelle Jenneke

michelle jenneke dancingDear Michelle Jenneke,

I know this may seem sudden, because we’ve just met – and by meeting I mean I’ve seen videos of you on the Internet – but I think I love you. Well, maybe not love, but there’s definitely a desire. And it’s not even really sexual, like with most of the celebrities I meet on the Internet. I just want to cuddle, watch bad reality TV shows about housewives that I pretend to like just because you do, eat ice cream, and take you to meet my mom. Is that weird?

I’ve never felt this way about a hurdler before, Shelly – can I call you Shelly? Actually, I don’t think I’ve known of a hurdler before. Once time in gym class they had the hurdles set up on the track and I tried to jump over one even though the teacher told us all not to. I hit it and fell on my face, so I have the utmost respect for your athletic talent. In a way, watching you compete makes me also fall on my face in love.

It’s true that I only found out about you when most people did, when a video of you dancing while warming up for your Barcelona race went viral. Maybe it’s superficial to fall in love with a girl because she looks adorable when dancing, but I think it says a lot about your character: mostly that you’re adorable, but also that you enjoy what you do and love to have fun.

It’s true that there’s a slight age difference between us, as I am 12 years your senior. Never mind that, though. Age is nothing more than a number and determinant of rights such as voting, drinking, smoking, joining the military, and marrying. And that’s over here. I don’t even know if that’s the case in Australia. You don’t have laws there, do you?

Speaking of Australia, do you guys eat blooming onion a lot? I’m not a big fan of the stuff, but it’s not a deal breaker. I think you’d love my dog because she also likes to run and maybe you can get her to chase a boomerang or something.

Watching you race, I feel like I would hurdle all obstacles to win you over. See what I did there? That was a play on words that referenced the fact that you’re a hurdler. As you can see, I’m quite witty and intelligent, so I’m sure we would have lots of great banter while I’m courting you.

It’s a shame that you didn’t qualify for the Olympics, because I know you’d love to win the Gold. You’ve already won my heart, which is worth more than gold. Not literally, of course, because even on the black market a human heart is worth less than its weight in gold, but I think you get the point.

Shelly, I hope to see you run again soon. Your dancing is so cute and your smile is like 100 fuzzy kittens having a cuddle-fest on a picnic blanket at a Hawaii beach. Shelly, I’m going to be watching the Olympics even though you’re not competing. I want you to know that those other athletes mean nothing to me, aside from maybe Hope Solo, because, I mean, you’ve seen her, right?

Sincerely*,

Jeremy

* Not really sincerely. This is a joke. I’m not really crazy or creepy, I swear.

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  1. July 30, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    Just wanted to let you know I am “Folliwing” you on here now….Hehehe.

    • July 30, 2012 at 4:53 pm

      You can follow me anywhere you want, Sue, including into my bedroom.

      • July 30, 2012 at 5:01 pm

        If I was only 2500 miles closer. 🙂

  2. July 30, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    Guess I have to cut down on the Oxy. here hu???:)

  3. August 4, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Okay I am going to share this one today. Not sure how it will do on Saturday but watch your stats for this morning and see what happens.

  4. October 5, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    Not scared to put yourself out there. Good for you. By the way, if you every find out what type of bra she is wearing, drop me a line – gotta get me one of those.

  5. November 4, 2012 at 9:00 am

    lmao. . . .<3

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