Home > Musings > Endless Saturdays of the Unemployed

Endless Saturdays of the Unemployed

On Tuesday I got the news that is never wanted but should be expected when you work for a flaky social media website: I was being laid off. Bossman wasn’t having fun running an office anymore, so he decided to close it. He made up for it by offering us games, though.

“Guys, we’re closing the office, so I know you all are unhappy about losing your jobs, but I don’t want today to be a sad day. Who wants to play chess?”

Just like that, I became a statistic – part of the 8.3%. Just like that, my life changed, from my comfortable life working a dead-end job that I hated to a life of uncertainty, dread, and fear.

Everything’s different when you’re out of work. It’s like you’re living in an alternate reality that runs parallel to those around you. Nothing is the same for the unemployed. Not even the calendar. For those contributing to the work force, the week starts out with Sunday where, unless you’re a heathen, you get up and go to church and pray for forgiveness for the last 6 days of acting like, well, a heathen. Then comes the most dreaded of days: Monday, the Longest Day, as you begin the work week. You then suffer through the week until Friday, when you celebrate your emancipation. Then on Saturday you relax and sleep in as long as you want. It is the Sabbath, after all. You have no commitments on Saturday.

Not so for the jobless. When I’m unemployed, my week goes like this: Sunday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, and finally Saturday. It’s almost impossible to tell one day from the next. I used to distinguish the days by Parks and Recreation. “Well, I haven’t seen Ron Swanson in five days, so this must be Tuesday.” Now that it’s the rerun season, I have no clue what day of the week it is at any time.

Another difference is that people identify themselves by their occupation. “I’m a doctor.” “I’m a fishing guide.” “I oil up nude women for their Playboy photo shoots.” It’s usually the first thing a person does when they meet you.

“So, what do you do?”

“Me? I sleep a lot. Oh, you mean for a living? Well, I’ve donated bone marrow.”

If we’re defined by what we do, then what does that make me? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Dating is also considerably different when you’re out of work. When I have a job, a single guy like myself can meet ladies and take them out to a nice restaurant or take them someplace fun. Since the gentlemen are expected to pay for the dates, things you have fewer options when you’re out of work.

“Hey, you’re cute. Do you want to come over to my place and watch TV sometime?”

“We just met and you’re trying to get into my pants?”

“No, no, not at all. I literally want to watch TV.”

“Anything good on?”

“No, it’s rerun season.”

There’s a misconception that those without jobs are lazy, as if someone came by and asked if I want to be Staff Editor for Rolling Stone but I said, “Naw, I’m too busy reading Hunter S. Thompson and wondering if it’s an accurate portrayal of someone on an ether binge. My library books are due in four days, so I have to hurry.”

True, there are plenty of people who are unemployed because they’re too lazy to go out job-hunting or because they would rather simply leach off of the taxpayers. There are also those people who are out of work because they’re under the mistaken impression that job websites like Monster.com will actually help them find a job. They are wrong. Those websites assist people in only one field: scamming.

There’s no feeling more worthless than being out of work, with the possible exception of being a guidance counselor or a U.S. Senator. Most days I roll out of bed at 2 pm not because I have something I need to do, but because I have to pee and am not quite lazy enough to insert a catheter. Then, once I’m up, I might as well stay up and spend some time applying to jobs. If my rejection stack stops growing, then I feel like I haven’t been productive. This is something that the employed don’t understand, because they get up, go to work, accomplish something (with the exception of guidance counselors and Senators) and go home. For me, getting out of bed is the accomplishment. I have to think in baby steps. Today I’ve written something, so I’ve accomplished more than usual. I think I’ll celebrate by heading to the beach on the weekend and pretending I’m on vacation. If only I knew when the weekend is…

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Categories: Musings Tags: , ,
  1. August 5, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    You never fail to make me laugh even when you are out of work. Oiling up playboy models huh? Well I am with you. What do you do? Housewife…no I don’t cook or clean. Stay at home mom? No I don’t stay at home. Avid volunteer? No, but I used to be before I moved. Oh but being a mom is hard work, the hardest job in the world! Nope, it is super easy. I am a professional TV watcher and playing on the internet-er.
    (I haven’t posted on reddit yet because it is being mean to me)

    • August 5, 2012 at 7:22 pm

      Lol. Professional TV watcher and playing on the internet-er sounds pretty good. It’s a more important job than people realize. For one thing, you keep me entertained, so that’s important.

      • August 7, 2012 at 1:14 pm

        Always am to please…(tips hat)

  2. August 7, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Ha! Rebecca! Thats me too. I am a professional TV watcher and playing on the internete-er! Jeremy I love your blog!

    • August 7, 2012 at 1:08 pm

      Thanks, mssmo. Your job sounds great. It’s nice to love what you do. 😉

    • August 7, 2012 at 1:13 pm

      That is because we are cool and rule the world 😉

  3. julian
    December 2, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    hahahaha that was funny

  4. January 18, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    I know I read this one; not sure why I never commented. That seems to happen to me a lot lately. The people who are even less understandable are the VOLUNTARILY unemployed. I feel like that word is a stretch. In 2013 I quit two jobs; one because I moved to another state, and the second because it was such absolute misery that the prospect of eventual homelessness was more appealing. So now I spend time blog-surfing when I should be applying for jobs. At least I have good taste when I do, right?

    • January 18, 2014 at 3:49 pm

      I’d say reading great blogs like mine and Becca’s is probably the best thing you can do with your time right now. Second best is finding a job. Just make sure you still have time to read these once you get the job. :p

  1. September 22, 2012 at 2:30 pm

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