Home > Dog Days > My dog doesn’t understand sick days

My dog doesn’t understand sick days

Right now I am both unemployed and sick, which means I’m doubly pathetic. It also means today is a lay in bed kind of day. That got me to thinking about something I wrote a while back concerning sick days. I’ve shared it below:

I was sick all last week and on Wednesday took a day off to rest at home. Sick days are bittersweet days where you are happy about being home, but unhappy about being sick. I remember as a kid staying home sick from school was kind of great. I got to lie on the couch and watch TV all day long while my peers were busy in school.

“Yeah, go learn stuff if you want. I’ll be lying right here, with a washcloth on my head, eating a gallon of yogurt and watching TV. And you guys are missing all of this. Suckers!”

The problem is that network executives don’t take sick days into account when programming their TV schedules, so I was stuck watching reruns of old black and white shows like Andy Griffith, a show so boring that it featured fishing and whistling and one character’s great pies was a frequent topic. Today, daytime TV is even worse. It’s nothing but judge shows, soaps and talk shows. I think some law requires terrible daytime TV as a way to cut down on kids playing hooky.

“Let’s see, I can stay home and watch Dr. Phil or I can go to school and learn about imaginary numbers… You know what? I don’t think I’m that sick after all. I mean, my measles are barely contagious.”

With modern technology, though, you’re not stuck watching that garbage. Thanks to the DVR, you can watch any show anytime, so if I stay home from work I can catch up on shows that I want to watch. Or at least I could if I wasn’t a dog owner.

Before we go any further, it’s important for you to know that my dog is slightly insane. The rescue shelter said she is a beagle mix, but she doesn’t seem to know what kind of a dog she is. Since she doesn’t know if she’s supposed to bark or bay, she doesn’t make any noise. In five months, I’ve only heard her bark a handful of times, and one of those times was freaking out about a ghost/monster/nothing outside in the middle of the night. I heard her bay once, but that was in the middle of the night and I’m pretty sure it was because she was dreaming she was a purebred beagle. Most of her problems are abandonment issues, though. She always follows me around and won’t dare let me be in a different room, just in case I try to run off. Whenever we’re apart, she has separation anxiety, which results in a lot of my possessions being “relocated” with the bite marks to prove it.

Those abandonment issues are usually just a minor annoyance, but in some cases, it can be a real problem, such as when I’m sick or when I bring a girl home. I found out what a problem the latter can be recently. I closed the bedroom door and left my dog outside for some privacy, which resulted in her whining and pawing at the door. I’m a man, though, so I’m able to press on, which only worried my dog more. The real problem came when she started to hear sounds that she thought were bad sounds that meant something was wrong, when they actually meant quite the opposite. She freaked out and my yelling “shhh, it’s okay” didn’t help. When I eventually opened the door, the rest of the apartment was completely trashed.

When I stayed home sick on Wednesday, I didn’t get much rest, because my dog doesn’t understand sick days. She was excited that I was home with her and thought we should play. I tried to lie in bed and ignore her, but it’s hard to ignore a wet nose getting repeatedly shoved into your eye socket. I pulled my comforter over my head to stop that, which resulted in being repeatedly pawed in the face. A few times she actually stood on my head.

Her message was clear: Get out of bed. My message was also clear: Noooooo!

I tried to reason with her. I explained that she was lucky to have me home, because she’s not locked in her crate right now. She should take advantage of the freedom and go play in the living room, chewing on her awesome/annoying squeaky toys. Then I realized I was trying to reason with a dog, who of course didn’t understand a single word I said, except the word “play,” which made her jump around on the bed in excitement.

So I gave up and went to lie down on the couch. That way I could rest and watch TV while she plays. Two minutes into my show, I realized that she took my advice. The squeaking was so loud that I couldn’t hear the TV, so I turned it off. Then I thought I could just sleep on the couch, but her toys also made that impossible. You may think that the most annoying sound in the world is Rihanna’s singing, the vuvuzela or that noise Jim Carrey makes in Dumb and Dumber, but you’re wrong. It is the multitude of different pitched loud squeaks coming from my dog’s toy snake while I’m trying to sleep.

Exasperated, I grabbed my dog by the collar and told her, “Kaylee, I love you, but you are ruining my sick day!” Then she wagged her tail, because she heard the word “love.”

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Categories: Dog Days Tags: , , ,
  1. August 10, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    I was reading this with tears of laughter running down my face. My Aunts dogs aaare EXACTLY

  2. August 10, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    the same way. The squeaking snake made me BURST out laughing as I could just HEAR the squeaking as you were telling the story. Great article…I will look forward to more of these J. Oh, forgive the 3 thousand a’s in the above comment, my A key stuck and I didn’t notice it until THIS segment. 🙂

    • August 10, 2012 at 5:50 pm

      Thanks, Suze. I’m glad I was able to make you laugh.

  3. October 23, 2012 at 11:16 pm

    I think our dogs are at least cousins. Supposedly my dog “may have some beagle” in her as well.
    And actually, she has no excuse for her craaaazy separation anxiety since I’ve owned her since the moment she was weaned. Apparently she’s just needy. How like a woman.
    Seriously though- ruins sex. Just ruins it.
    I’m running out of money for motels.

    • October 24, 2012 at 6:20 pm

      Yeah, either our dogs are related or people should really stay away from dogs that “may have some beagle” in them.

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