Home > Musings > The over 30 single (so-called) life

The over 30 single (so-called) life

Single life is hard, but it’s harder still when you’re in your 30s (or older). Every couple you know and every couple you see is a constant reminder that you’ve been left behind. While your friends are raising children, you are still eating ramen noodles alone on the sofa while watching 30 Rock before passing out alone and wondering whether or not it is actually weird to spoon with your dog at night.

One of my favorite lines from 30 Rock came from Liz Lemon, whose love life is as bad as mine. When a friend asked if she had plans, she said “No, I was going to take this class called ‘Cooking for One’ but then the teacher killed himself.”

I don’t really feel a lot of pressure to get married. Mostly hear it from my seven-year-old niece. She told me “you’re not an all-the-way-grown-up because you’re not married.” My parents don’t pressure me, which may be a bad thing. It almost seems like they’ve given up hope. “Well, our daughter turned out okay, so at least we have that.”

One of the best things about a wife or at least long-term girlfriend is that they are default activity partners. Sure, you won’t always do things together, but it’s great to have them as a fallback, especially if you have obscure interests.

This is how it normally goes when I ask friends if they want to go to a concert with me:

“Hey, do you want to go to the Kills concert?”

“Who’s that?”

“A rock bad. You don’t know them? They’re great.”

“Nope, sorry.”

“I think you’d like them. I’ll send you a YouTube video.”

“How much are tickets?”

“They’re $20.”

“I don’t know…”

This is how it normally goes when I ask a girlfriend if she wants to go to a concert with me:

“Hey, do you want to go to the concert on Saturday?”

“Sure, I’ll go.”

“Great.”

“Who is it?”

“The Kills. Do you know them?”

“Nope. But if they suck you have to give me a foot rub later.”

“Deal.”

When you reach a certain age and are still single, you start to get a little desperate, so you do things you wouldn’t ordinarily do. You start hanging out at Laundromats even though you have a washing machine at home, hoping the girls don’t notice that you never take clothes out of the washer. You stop cutting people off when they say “I know this girl you should meet.” You’ll take your dog out for long walks in the park, where your dog just happens to want to go play with the dog of all the pretty girls.

You start paying more attention to your appearance. Do these jeans make my butt look good? I can’t believe I never checked that before! You start second-guessing even the most basic aspects of your life. Damn, I was just standing with my arms crossed! Does that make me seem unapproachable?

You start wondering where you’re supposed to meet people. My church has a ridiculously high percentage of hot girls, but I’m not sure the best way to approach them. “Hey there, I’m Jeremy. I noticed that we have something in common, since we both love Jesus. Would you like to get lunch?” That would be awkward even if I wasn’t wearing a volunteer nametag.

Some guys try to pick up girls at the gym, but I think that’s a bad idea. Sure, there are a lot of hot girls at the gym, and I have great appreciation for a healthy girl in skimpy spandex workout clothes, but my potential is not maximized at the gym. Most of the guys there are in good shape, so I have no advantage. I’d stand out more and seem like a better catch if I tried to pick up girls at a bowling alley, doughnut shop or comic convention.

When things are at their worst, you’ll turn to the Internet. Online dating is the absolute worst way to meet someone, because you’re relying, more than usual, on how a person decides to present themselves. The only truths you will ever learn from online dating are that if there are no full-body photos, she’s fat, and you will never have an intelligent conversation with a girl making a duck face.

When you need help, you start looking for advice. My friend said to simply make “sex eyes” at someone. I’m not sure what that is, but I can’t imagine it working. I just imagine creepy staring like every one of Fred Armisen’s characters.

Another friend of mine, while walking down the street downtown, recently caused a guy to wreck his car because he was too busy making catcalls and wasn’t paying attention to his driving. This is clearly a man who was trying too hard, but I’ll cut him some slack. He’s probably over 30 and single.

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  1. August 20, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    I actually think Fred Armisen is pretty hot

    • August 20, 2012 at 11:18 pm

      He is? Even when doing the creepy stare?

      • August 21, 2012 at 2:36 pm

        Not so much… I catch glimpses of him when he’s not dressed as a woman or covered in garbage and I think he is quite my type. But then I think Gene Hackman has his moments and Jimmy Stewart was my perfect guy so I do have an eclectic taste 🙂

  2. August 20, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    yes, well angles are a girls best friend. I always advise people not not take pictures from an under view. It gives most people a weird double chin look.

    You’re a great catch. I would set you up with a friend if I knew a right fit for you.

    x,
    Becca

    • August 20, 2012 at 11:20 pm

      Usually when someone sets me up with a friend, they apologize for it later. But thank you.

      • August 21, 2012 at 12:27 pm

        Every time I set people up, they get married. But as you live in a different state than I do, and you didn’t ask, and I don’t know anyone since I moved, I couldn’t anyway.

  3. August 20, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    Tell me about it. Over 30 and single is certainly NO fun. Dating REALLY sucks the older you get doesn’t it? Loved this post…Very Funny!!!

    • August 20, 2012 at 11:23 pm

      I’m glad you liked it, Sue. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s 11:30 at night, so it’s time to get working on my night cheese.

  1. December 30, 2012 at 8:05 pm
  2. March 24, 2015 at 12:21 pm

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