Home > Musings > Bad food will leave you single

Bad food will leave you single

Dinner is probably the most common activity for a first date. It is something that is safe and allows you to talk and get to know each other. Sure, you can try something a little more original, such as touring ancient ruins, or a little wilder, like skydiving, but your date might not be into that. Dinner dates are safe because, with the exception of anorexics, everyone enjoys eating.

“So, do you like food?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Oh my god! So do I! We have so much in common already.”

Even if you do go on a date with an anorexic, dinner is fine. It just means that she’ll save you money by ordering a salad and that her breath will smell bad after her little trip to the restroom. I’ve done dinner dates many times, usually followed by some fun activity – definitely not seeing a movie. There probably isn’t a worse date idea than seeing a movie.

“Hey, I have an idea! Let’s get to know each other by sitting in a dark room where we can’t see each other and then silently watching staring at a screen for two hours!” One of the few times I’ve done that (it was her idea) was to see Black Swan. A specific scene made that even more awkward:

Sweet, they’re kissing! I love lesbian ballerinas. This should totally win an Oscar. Don’t look too excited, though. And there goes the panties. This is getting hotter. Uh oh, I feel tingly. Keep your hands where she can see them. Act normal. Is she looking at me? Judging me? She’s going to ask if I’m into this and I won’t have a good answer. Unless she’s asking because she’s interested, but if I guess wrong it can backfire. Wait, Mila Kunis just turned into Natalie Portman. Are they the same person? Is she going down on herself? Is this a dream? A Fight Club ripoff? Damn you, Darren Arronofsky, for your confusing lesbian ballerina movies!

Great scene, but not on a first date

Though dinner dates are safe, ordering the wrong thing can make the date as awkward as a Black Swan date. There are certain foods that are simply off limits. I will never order them on a first date or eat them in front of any girl who I hope to one day have sex with.

One food that is off-limits is sushi. A sushi date can be fine, but it’s a big gamble, because you don’t know how big those rolls are going to be. If they’re truly bite size, you have no problem, but usually they are going to be so big that you will look like a puffer fish once you cram that roll into your mouth. Worse yet, you have to use chopsticks.

As I’ve written before, chopsticks make me stupid. They should be easy to use. It’s essentially two tiny spears, which man has been able to use since the Stone Age, but I can’t figure them out. So there I am eating Asian food on a date awkwardly fumbling with my food and hoping that my date doesn’t think I awkwardly fumble in other areas. Eventually, she asked for a fork and I calmly asked for one as well, all while thinking thank God! Now I can finally get some of this food in my mouth! Now I know why Asians are so skinny!

If you have a choice between a soup or salad with your meal, go with the salad. Soup can be another problem. If you’re not a skilled soup eater, you’re probably a slurper, and slurping on a date doesn’t create a great first impression. Spicy food isn’t a great idea, either. It will probably make your nose run, which leaves you with a few options, none of them good: sniffle the snot back up your nose, excuse yourself to blow your nose in the restroom, or try to discretely use your napkin at the table. Really spicy food can also make you sweat. As a general rule, the only sweating you want to do on a date is at the end of the date, back at your place. Other obvious bad choices are messy foods, like wings or ribs, or food that gets stuck in your teeth, like corn on the cob.

Probably the worst dating food, though, is pasta. Again, it’s too risky. You assume you can twirl it safely onto your fork and then eat it uneventfully, but it only takes one slip-up to ruin everything. It only takes one time of that pasta falling off the fork and leaving a trail of sauce down your chin for her to think of you as the messy eater with sauce on his chin. Not a super-romantic image. Even if that doesn’t happen, if part of the pasta falls out of your tightly rolled ball, you have to either re-roll it, try to discretely stuff it in your mouth, or slurp it up.

Hard to believe Tramp still sealed the deal

So what are you going to do? Cut the pasta up instead of twirling it? Then you’re the weirdo who cuts his pasta. She’ll wonder if you have other weird habits, and before long she’ll imagine that you have some sort of creepy secret basement in your house and will worry about ending up down there. If you don’t want her to think you’re a sloppy miscreant or a serial killer, avoid pasta.

Avoiding these foods won’t guarantee a good date. Even if you like her, you’ll still have to be charming and funny enough to make her look past your flaws, which she’ll spot right away. Or maybe that’s just me. Or maybe I’m just paranoid. But there has to be a reason she hasn’t returned my calls…

  1. August 28, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    I couldn’t agree more with you about pasta. WAY too messy. 🙂

    • August 28, 2012 at 8:59 pm

      I love pasta, so it’s a special point in the relationship when I’m comfortable enough to eat pasta in front of her.

  2. September 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Haha, this was great. Agreed, especially the pasta. Pasta’s even tricky if you’re eating it in the privacy of your own home. 😉

    • September 5, 2012 at 6:21 pm

      I consider it a win if I finish eating pasta, look down at my shirt, and don’t see any sauce stains.

  3. August 13, 2013 at 12:47 am

    That is so cool! I wouls also love to share my thoughts about food. check out http://www.sdfoodtruckmap.com/.

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