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MTV VMA recap from someone who didn’t watch it

You might have seen this guy in something

Last night MTV held their annual Video Music Awards ceremony, even though they stopped showing music videos long ago. If you’re like most people, you missed the ceremony, so allow this recap to catch you up. As a slight caveat, I didn’t actually watch the ceremony, either, so this recap is based mostly on speculation.

As proof of how far the network has fallen, the show was hosted by Kevin Hart, who is supposedly a comedian but is best known as that guy who you saw in line at Wal-Mart. Rihanna was the night’s big winner, mostly because she wasn’t abused by her boyfriend before the show. She also took home the Video of the Year award for a song called “We Found Love,” the video for which can be found on YouTube.

Other winners included Demi Lovato for Best Song Played During the Credits of Jersey Shore and Lil Wayne for the Best Rap Song Played In a Commercial For an MTV Reality Show. The coveted Best Comedy Act went, as expected, to Nicki Minaj. Coldplay took home a Moonman award for Gratuitous Inclusion of Boring White Band, despite a challenge from spoilers Keane.

Of course, just like its parent network, the VMA’s aren’t about the music. They’re about the spectacle. That means performances that crammed too many people onstage for poorly choreographed routines, controversial kisses (this time Rihanna and Chris Brown), and attention-grabbing style.

On the red carpet, Miley Cyruss tried to look like David Bowie, the Fab Five made an awkward appearance wearing something other than warm-ups or leotards (McKayla was not impressed), Frank Ocean proved that not all gay men have good style, Kim Kardashian did what she does best (posing on the red carpet), and Tom Petty was there for some reason, perhaps thinking that MTV would finally give him the Video of the Year award he deserved for “Runnin’ Down a Dream.” Nicki Minaj wore a costume that looked like Spider-Man as a police officer. And Katy Perry disappointed by wearing an elegant long dress not made of latex that showed no cleavage. It’s like I don’t even know her anymore.

Katy, it’s like you’re not trying.     Better….      This is why we invite you to things!

As for the performances, the duet by Lil Wayne and 2 Chains was thought by many to be an avant-garde instrumental number with electronic beeps taking the place of lyrics. It turns out that was just the censors making the song appropriate for television. Green Day, who allegedly was a punk band before they were Broadway musical performers, did nothing to convince people that they aren’t aging hacks.

In perhaps the biggest spectacle of the show, the cast of Twilight premiered the trailer for the new movie. Fans watched in eager anticipation of the series’ final installment of Kristen Stewart taking deep breaths, biting her lip, and fluttering her eyes.  If you missed the trailer, it’s now on YouTube, just like all of the videos honored at the show.

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