Home > Musings > Rambling to you on my Saturday

Rambling to you on my Saturday

Today is Saturday, which means that no one is reading this post. That begs the question, if I write a post directed at you, the reader, and there is no reader, does the post exist at all? (Spoiler: The answer is yes, according to the WordPress “My Posts” page).

As I’ve said before, since I’m unemployed every day is like a Saturday, with the exception of Sunday, with all of the churchy, Sabbathy stuff. So how does Jeremy – the unemployed but gifted writer who is as charming and handsome as he is broke and alone – spend his Saturdays? you ask. Allow me to share.

I woke up early and took my puppy to the dog park. I could do this because I wasn’t hung over, having quit drinking three years ago. Unfortunately, Saturday morning is when every mom in the neighborhood brings their kids to run around aimlessly, kick at each other, flail on the ground, and then eat some cookies and go home. It’s an activity called “soccer.” I had to circle the lot looking for a parking spot while soccer moms threatened to murder anyone who pulled into the spot in front of them when clearly their blinker indicated that it was their spot.

We then walked to the dog park, with every cleat-wearing child stopping us along the way to ask “can I pet your dog?” I only allow it if I see a parent watching. If not, I worry that the parent will lose track of their kid, see it petting my dog, and yell “oh no, that strange man is trying to kidnap my child!” At the dog park, my dog sniffed the grass a little, played with other dogs for a few minutes, and was nice enough to do her job and keep jumping on a cute girl. However, the girl was in the awkward stage where she could be either a teenager or in her twenties. Since I couldn’t ascertain her age, I didn’t pursue the matter, though I appreciated my dog doing her part as the Icebreaker.

“Daddy needs a woman. Are you old enough to be my mom?”

After a while, my dog looked at me and said “it’s really hot here. Can we go to that place that has air conditioning and napkins?”

“Sure, we’ll go home. But stop stealing my napkins.”

After doing my morning Bible reading, I decided to check my friend Rebecca’s blog, since it’s always good for a laugh. No laughs this time. However, I did earn the coveted I Visited Ladyornot.com on a Saturday and She Forgot to be Funny Award.

The coveted award

Saturday is when most people go out and party, but I’m afraid I don’t have room in my budget for partying. In fact, without an income, my Fun Budget is $0. That means I can’t go downtown on weekends because I can’t pay for parking. It means I can’t go anywhere with a cover charge. It means I spend more time at home than I would like. Anyone want to come to my house and play charades?

Saturdays to me are about college football. Since the good games aren’t on until later, I’m watching a blowout while writing this. I’ll multitask during the bad games while the exciting ones get my undivided attention.

Later on I might read a book. You can easily track my unemployment periods by monitoring my library activity. There are no checkouts when I’m working, but there’s a new book every week while I’m unemployed. I started reading Barbara Kingsolver’s The Poisonwood Bible, which was recommended by a friend.

“Hey, you’re into Christianity and African missions, you should read this book.” What she forgot to mention is that the book is anti-Christian and anti-missions. Recommending The Poisonwood Bible to me is like saying “hey, you’re a psychiatric nurse, you would like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest!” Kingsolver’s prose is poetic and beautiful, but I don’t feel like reading 400 pages about how awful “my people” are. I did enough of that in college.

“She’s a nurse, just like you!”

In fact, right now I have a low tolerance for unpleasant reading. As an English major, I read many books that I didn’t like – many of which I found offensive. Now if I am not enjoying reading the book, I don’t finish it. That means you have to grab me early and convince me to keep reading. I quit reading E.M. Forster’s A Passage to India after one chapter because I found his writing style annoying. I know I’m not alone in this. As a writer, I make sure the first page of my fiction is good enough to make you turn the page. In fact, in my opinion my first sentence is always the best sentence in the story. That’s not on accident. I’m currently reading Oliver Twist. Dickens has convinced me to read the first five chapters so far, and since I’m enjoying it, it’s likely that I will finish the book. However, there are no guarantees. You can lose me at any time, Dickens, so you better not slack off! You have no idea how many times Melville almost made me put down Moby Dick.

Aside from the park, football, and reading, I have no plans for this Saturday. Hopefully I’ll go out with friends tonight, but that’s only if I can make plans that cost no money. It’s hard having a $0 Fun Budget, but I know this is temporary. Someday I will have an income again and then I’ll be a Normal Person, who experiences 7 days in a week, sets an alarm clock in the morning, goes on dates, and contributes to society. Until then, I have endless Saturdays. This is my Saturday. How is yours?

Categories: Musings Tags: , , ,
  1. September 22, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    At least you didn’t forget to be funny like me.

    I think sometime next week I will write a post about fun things to do for free when you’re unemployed as in another week it will have been 11 years since I was paid to work. I might be able to give you some great ideas. 😉

    Your picture captions are priceless.


    • September 22, 2012 at 2:58 pm

      That sounds great. I can always use some tips. Thanks for the compliment on the captions.

  2. Kristal Hollis
    September 22, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    Glad I took a moment to troll through WordPress’ humor blogs, which led me to yours. And I thoroughly enjoyed your musings. Sorry about your unemployment, though. Hope the right job opens for you soon. Great pic of your puppy, what breed is she? Curious because I have a furbaby who has very similar coloring. Been trying to figure out what he is, since it’s definitely not basset hound which is what we were told when we adopted him.

    • September 22, 2012 at 3:03 pm

      Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it. Funny you said that about your dog. When I adopted mine, the shelter said that she is a beagle/basset hound mix. I decided that she might be part beagle but there is definitely NO basset in her. There are better pics of my dog if you browse this section: http://stealingpesosoutofmybrain.com/category/dog-days/

  3. September 23, 2012 at 11:54 am

    Good things will come your way… 🙂

    • September 24, 2012 at 9:28 pm

      Thanks, Julie. I believe that. It’s just a matter of being patient and figuring some things out.

      • September 24, 2012 at 9:42 pm

        It will… all good things come with time. 🙂

  4. September 24, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    Jeremy have you read “What color is your parachute?” That may not qualify as reading for fun, but it is certainly riveting and helpful. Be sure to check the year, the author updates it annually with new stats and strategies.

    And if you are bored an seeking motivation “find” a copy of any BeachBody home fitness program and join a fitness accountability group with me! We can always use more humor!

    • September 24, 2012 at 9:27 pm

      Thanks for the suggestions. I’ll work on finding on of those videos.

  5. September 24, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    Look at it this way. I am gainfully employed and was STILL at home all day and night Saturday. My Fun Budget is also minimal, but I don’t even have Fun Options. (That sounds pitiful. I must have misplaced my Prozac). Since moving to live on my own and having a large park behind the apartment building, I have learned the upside of being single guy with cute dog. However, I hear you on the “she’s looks young but not too young but you just really can’t be sure” and pushing the age limits of creeptastic at 37 I’ve got to play it safe.

    • September 24, 2012 at 9:19 pm

      If you move to Texas, I’m sure Becca can help you with Fun Options. She has good advice on cheap activities AND I hear she’s a good matchmaker for dates and bromances. As for the young girls, we need to develop a socially acceptable way to ask their age. Maybe we can go with “so what’s your favorite beer. Or are you not old enough to drink?” But most people are already drinking in middle school, so that won’t work.

      • September 24, 2012 at 9:25 pm

        That is already part of her master plan. The girls… ask, so, did you go to Homecoming this year? Do you remember 9/11? That’s a real party starter. There is a long-term sub at my school who is seriously fresh out of college. We were talking about 9/11 and he said “yeah I wasn’t even their age at the time” (this is in a middle school, mind you). Holy crap did that make me feel old.

  6. September 26, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    I read this while eating breakfast and spit out my cereal while reading. No,,,It WASN’T because the cereal was moldy (This time), your post CRACKED me up. OMG Jeremy, you keep getting funnier and funnier. Great post. Keep up the good work…

    • September 28, 2012 at 9:05 pm

      Thanks, Sue. I’m glad I could make you laugh, though I would rather make you moan. And scream. And, well, you get the idea.

  7. October 5, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    You dog posts are very ‘droll.’ (A word that sometimes means funny/ sarcastic in English – too lazy to confirm in the Oxford..) As a matter of interest, this word is very similar to the word ‘drol’ – which in Afrikaans (one of the 11 official languages in South Africa – keep up, my dear), is usually used to describe the faecal matter of dogs and the likes. It is also used to describe a person that is dull and not so humorous, as in, “Hy is ‘n droee drol.” Coincidence – I think not.

    • October 5, 2012 at 9:31 pm

      I lost track of whether or not that was a compliment, but thanks for the lesson. 🙂

  1. September 24, 2012 at 12:58 pm

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