Home > Musings > Halloween is for candy, nip slips and douchebags

Halloween is for candy, nip slips and douchebags

The best part of Halloween

Though many people love Halloween, I’m not sure how I feel about it. It is definitely not the same as when I was a kid. When you’re a kid, Halloween is all about dressing up as your favorite character and getting as much candy as you can. You then do your best to trigger early diabetes by eating enough candy while watching the Simpsons Tree House of Horror to put you into a coma.

When you’re a teenager, it’s about pretending you’re too cool to dress up and ask for candy, but doing it anyway while claiming that you’re just casing the neighborhood while deciding whose house to egg. How do you know whose house to egg? It’s that guy who asked “aren’t you a little old to be trick-or-treating?” You also watch lots of horror movies and probably get drunk at a Halloween party (oops, forget that part, since you’re underage and drinking would have been illegal!).

My favorite Halloween experiences as a teen were working at a haunted house. A friend spent months building a haunted house on his property and he was so good that, aside from Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights, he might have had the best in the state. I then spent the night scaring people, which is fun, except for middle school boys. As a rule, every boy who is middle-school aged is a douchebag. They are all required to a) show that they’re not scared, b) ruin every scare for everyone else, and c) be annoying enough that you want to hit them. So what did I do about that? I hit them.

You see, Universal Studios may not let their frighteners lay hands on customers out of fear of a lawsuit, but my friend didn’t feel that way. I was rough with any d-bag kid who was causing problems in the haunted house. Some got an elbow, some got tripped, but they were all punished. To be honest, it was kind of fun.

As an adult, it’s different. Halloween as an adult is all about dressing slutty and getting drunk. I have nothing against dressing slutty (more on that later), but I don’t really drink anymore (long story). So I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do on October 31.

For a while, I just looked at it as the day I get to fill up on candy corn all day long. I usually didn’t even dress up and go to Halloween parties because, well, I don’t like dressing up. It’s not that I’m opposed to wearing a costume, it’s just that I don’t like paying for a costume, and I don’t have the skills to make my own.

Robin: Proof girls can make any costume sexy

As an adult, girls take advantage of Halloween to dress as slutty as possible because it is the one day where it is perfectly acceptable to look like a stripper:

“So how do I look?”

“That costume is barely covering you. If you move too abruptly, there’s a good chance of a nip slip.”

“Perfect, I’ll take it!”

Now I’m not judging this feminist expression of liberation; in fact, I don’t see why dressing as a slutty princess or superheroine can’t be done every day. The problem is that for guys, the costumes suck. Why can’t I have a slutty Halloween costume to wear? I mean, is it too much to ask for sexy costume that shows off my ass?

Instead, I go the opposite direction and put as little effort into my costume as possible. Two years ago, my costume was Facebook, which was literally writing the word “book” on my face (a nod to The Office). The year before that I went as a street musician and sat outside my office, dressed like a bum, playing songs on the guitar. The most effort I’ve ever put into a costume was last year when I went as a hipster Occupy Wall Street protester. The thing I took away from that experience is I have no idea how those guys can wear skinny jeans regularly. This year I have no clue what I’m going to be for Halloween, but I know it won’t be anything exciting.

Maybe it doesn’t matter. I’ll have whatever random thing has been made into pumpkin flavor – whether it be donuts, bagels, Hershey’s Kisses, or brownies. I’ll watch some movie scary enough to give me nightmares – possibly Deuce Bigalow. And I’ll get to see what my female friends would be like if they were total sluts. I guess you really can’t expect more from a holiday than that.

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  1. October 25, 2012 at 9:28 pm

    I totally support you dressing like a slut. Just post pictures so I can have a good giggle 😉

    As for roughing up middle school boys…I bet Jason (as a middle school teacher) could give you some tips. You might have the cops called on you as a 30 something man, but it will be worth it…well until you drop the soap in prison.

    • October 25, 2012 at 9:36 pm

      Thanks, but I think I’m too old to rough up minors now. That something you have to do before you become an adult.

      • October 25, 2012 at 9:39 pm

        indeed. 😉 As my daughter is now less than a year from being in middle school…I am glad I have a minor to rough up boys for her. She turned 11 today.

        Really though, that age used to bother me, now I find them endearing.

  2. October 26, 2012 at 12:24 am

    Perhaps a Never Nude? Never goes out of style, plenty of hinted-at butt cheek.

    • October 26, 2012 at 8:58 pm

      Haha. Clever idea. You also get +10 coolness points for the Arrested Development reference.

  3. November 4, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Assless chaps are always a good choice for a slutty guy costume. Of course that might convey a message you aren’t wanting to put out there. 🙂 Loved this entry!!

  4. December 16, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    You have just been nominated for the Liebster Blog Award by your’s truly! Don’t say I never gave you nothin’!! http://fatbottomgirlsaidwhat.wordpress.com/2012/12/16/i-never-win-nothin/

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