Home > Musings > I resolve to … um …

I resolve to … um …

calvin-hobbes-new-years-resolutionIt’s time to make a New Year’s Resolution. At least, that’s what I’m told. I’ve never actually made one. I’ve always skipped that tradition thus far because I know me, so I know I will never keep any resolution that I make. I’ve been on Chapter 2 of my novel all year long, it took me 6 years to get a bachelor’s degree because I kept dropping out and then deciding to go back, and I’ve never had a relationship last longer than 2 years, so I’m not exactly known for sticking with things.

This year I thought I was off the hook, but it seems you can’t count on those Mayans for anything. With the fresh start that accompanies the world not ending, I decided I want to make my first New Year’s Resolution. The problem is, because I have no experience, I don’t know what to resolve. So I decided to use this blog to brainstorm for resolution ideas.

Go to the gym every day. My gym attendance slacked off considerably over the last few months, so I’d like to get back to being consistent. I could resolve to go every day. Well, not every day. You need rest days. So every other day. Except for those days when I’m too tired from work. And holidays don’t count, of course.

Finish my novel. I was hoping to complete the first draft this year, but it turns out actually sitting down and writing is an integral part of the process. Not that I didn’t write during the year, but it was mostly blogs, stuff for work, letters to Russian brides, and the like. The problem is after a long day at work, I don’t feel like writing; I feel like hanging myself sleeping. I could try writing the novel in my sleep. It would have to still be better than that E.L. James book.

Read the Bible daily. This year was the first time that I have read the entire Bible, every page, every verse, every word – even words like Maher-Shalal-Hash-Baz. I should keep that going this year to make sure I read every day and complete the whole book again. Well, not the whole thing. Since I’ve already read it, I can skip things like all of the “begats” and the census stuff, right? I mean, surely I don’t need to know how many people were in the tribe of Issachar, right?

Give my dog more exercise. I love my puppy, but she’s so demanding, insisting that she be allowed to do things other than sit around the house all day. Sorry, but I have to work during the day. Don’t you think I’d rather lie around, take naps, and chew on shoes? When I get home from the office, I don’t feel like taking my dog for a run; I feel like hanging myself sleeping. I used to take her to the local dog park, but then I realized that, contrary to what I had hoped, it is not the local hangout spot for all of the area’s hot girls. I have gotten to know a lot of nice old ladies, though, so it’s not a total loss. I could use their help because it’s cold right now and I don’t know how to knit a sweater.

Be a more productive worker. I know my boss would like me to be more efficient. The problem is I spend a lot of my time in the office thinking about hanging myself sleeping. I should stop that and learn to appreciate having a job so I can do it to the best of my ability. To that end, I should definitely leave the law firm and get a job somewhere else. So add “spend more time on Monster.com” to my resolution list.

Have more sex. I’d like to have more sex in 2013. Preferably on a regular basis with the same person. And preferably for more than just 2013. Okay, that might sound like I’m looking for a long-term relationship. But that’s totally not what I mean, because that doesn’t sound like a cool, manly New Year’s Resolution, does it?

Waste less time. In 2012, I occasionally used my time to do something good. In fact, I never enjoyed myself more than when doing volunteer work, whether for my church or a local charity. Unfortunately, doing something productive with my time takes time away from watching TV, reading about whomever Lindsay Lohan hit with her car lately, watching random people do whatever dance is the current viral video, and finding out how many different things Katy Perry has worn on her boobs. It’s hard to use my time wisely as long as I have cable. In fact, right now as I have something I should be doing for work. But let’s face it, if I didn’t like wasting my time, would I have a blog?

By now, you should realize that keeping any of these resolutions is hopeless, especially the one about finishing my novel. Why, I’m not even going to bother finishing this post.

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  1. December 30, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    Thanks for the fun post– makes me feel better about my own goals. Happy New Year!

    • December 30, 2012 at 9:10 pm

      You’re welcome. I guess it’s good to have goals, even if you don’t reach them.

  2. December 31, 2012 at 12:32 am

    I have a resolution post coming for Tuesday. 😉

    You can stop wasting so much time by stacking up your resolutions. Have sex at the gym while writing on your novel.

    You can walk your dog and read your Bible at work.

    • December 31, 2012 at 12:58 am

      That’s great advice. By combining them I am much more likely to accomplish my goals. But I might have my gym membership revoked.

      • December 31, 2012 at 1:00 am

        Ahh well you’re not using it anyway. 😉

  3. December 31, 2012 at 12:39 am

    “But let’s face it, if I didn’t like wasting my time, would I have a blog?…”
    My delusions have been shattered.
    I resolve to keep recycling the same poem for every New Year’s post. Also, to urge you to keep to your current posting schedule, as one post every two months is right at the level I can keep up with 😀 Unless, of course, you’re going to post more photos of Kate Beckinsale. That you can do everyday.

    • December 31, 2012 at 12:59 am

      Good idea. Maybe I should consider just making this a Kate Beckinsale tribute blog. I mean, it practically is anyway.

  4. December 31, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    I stopped making resolutions years ago, because when I broke them, which was inevitable, I always ended up feeling shittier about myself than before.

    • January 1, 2013 at 12:40 pm

      Yeah, most people just set themselves up for failure with their resolutions.

  5. January 2, 2013 at 10:06 am

    My resolution is to be able to breathe through my nose again. I believe this counts, and have found it extremely challenging.

  6. January 22, 2013 at 10:02 pm

    Well, dear, sounds like 2012 was…perhaps not the greatest. The thinking about hanging yourself has to stop–I have some news but I’ll leave it somewhere far less public.

    If it makes you feel better, I never make New Years resolutions. I don’t believe in waiting until that day to decide I want to go to the gym more or whatever; I’ll make a resolution whenever I please. I do wish the new people in my gym felt like that and would get the hell off the treadmills.

    1. Without making an actual resolution, I will be working out more this year. I have good motivation. And the stress diet has already given me a head start on slimming down. But I find other things to substitute for gym time…like dancing. It’s fun to knock back a few drinks and hit the dance floor. Try it. It’s fun.

    2. If you learn the secret to writing without actually sitting down at a computer, please share. It would mean I could finish the Wonderland story I started two-three years ago.

    3. You may skip the begats and census stuff. ‘Nough said there.

    4. At least you will have sweaters. I see younger women at the dog park new my soon-to-be new home. I could always share that location–I don’t think it’s the one you go to.

    5. I’m sorry the law firm makes you unhappy. Remember to check your messages…

    6. Sex! Yay! Sex! I fully endorse this.

    7. Blogging isn’t a waste of time. It is–basically–writing. And while volunteering makes you feel really good, when you’re not volunteering do the things you like. I do. Now. If I want to watch TV I will. If riding my bike will make me happy, then I will (bonus points for it being exercise too). If I want to stay up with my friends until 4 in the morning because I feel like it, I will. If you’re filling your time with the things you want to do, that make you feel fulfilled regardless of their social or moral value, it won’t be a waste of time.

    • January 22, 2013 at 10:56 pm

      Me hitting the dance floor wouldn’t be good for anybody, most of all me. Of course, I’ll be at a wedding on Saturday so I guess that’s unavoidable. I don’t really think about hanging myself as often as this post would have you believe, but I’m sure you remember that you shouldn’t take me seriously. :p

      • January 23, 2013 at 8:04 am

        And nor should you take me seriously. …Except for skipping the begats and census stuff. I was completely serious there.

        Go! Dance! It’s remarkably liberating. I never used to and now I love it. …Or try ice skating. That’s liberating too…until you fall down…but if you laugh it off it’s fine.

      • January 23, 2013 at 9:34 pm

        I could do that. I used to ice skate. And by “used to,” I mean I did it a couple times as a kid. But hey, it’s like riding a bike, right? By the way, a couple years ago I rode a bike for the first time in probably 15 years. It turns out that the saying is a lie. You do forget how.

      • January 24, 2013 at 7:34 am

        Prior to trying it last month, I hadn’t gone ice skating in twenty years. Yes, you’ll be a little shakey and slow but after a few times you get better. At least that’s what I’ve found. My parents gave me a bike for my birthday last year, and yes it wasn’t just hop back on like fifteen years had passed. I’m still a little wobbley on turns.

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