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Shame on you hockey players

Well, I just got an email saying I paid to auto-renew my domain name (which is important, because “stealing pesos out of my brain” is huge in SEO searches). Since I’m paying for this website, I might as well use it. Hopefully this post goes over better than my last one, which I think accidentally offended some friends. To play it safe, I’ll do something that will offend no one but Canadians: make fun of hockey.

Over the last few months, I’ve been to several hockey games, because Orlando has a minor league team for some reason. I don’t really know much about hockey, since I’m from Florida, so it’s been a learning experience. I’m used to knowing all of the rules and strategy for sports, but for hockey it’s all arbitrary. It’s totally cool to purposely slam a guy into the wall, but you can’t punch him. You can knock a guy down, but you can’t trip him or pull him down. Breakaways are a great way to score a goal, but you’re penalized if one of your teammates tried to help you out by skating ahead of you. Basically hockey is a less retarded version of soccer.

In fact, most people don’t know this, but hockey was invented by a drunken Canadian vacationing in Mexico. “So they’re just running around chasing a ball and occasionally someone takes a shot, eh? The only way you can make this watchable is to put it on ice and let them hit each other.” And thus hockey was born.

So I’m not exactly a hockey fan – I mean, why do you need two halftimes, anyway? – but I’ve been talked into going to some games. The first two times were because they were special games to benefit breast cancer charities. Hey, I can support that. Breast cancer sucks, and I can fight it buy watching a game? Even if it’s hockey, I’ll do that every time. That would be like if someone said “Hey, would you like this delicious slice of cheesecake? By eating it, you’ll be helping cure AIDS.”

Though I’m far from a converted hockey fan, I’ve come to appreciate one aspect of the game: the shame. Hockey is a game where they love to shame people who make mistakes. During face offs, which is what they do because apparently a jump ball on ice would be dangerous, if you take a swipe at the puck too early, you have to leave. “No, sir. I’m sorry. You had your chance. Go stand over there and let your friend try to do it right.”

The same goes for the penalties. If you commit a penalty, you have to leave the ice and go sit by yourself. “You know you’re not allowed to trip, yet you did it anyway. You need a time out. Go have a seat for a few minutes and think about what you’ve done.”

I still think a lot of hockey doesn’t make sense. If you didn’t take two halftimes, you might not have to save time by substituting while the puck is in play. Who do you think you’re fooling? I’m aware that I just spent 10 minutes watching kids try to skate on the ice while I stood in line for a $9 hot dog that tastes worse than those that spend 3 days on a warmer at 7-Eleven. (Of course, that’s still more interesting than soccer.) I guess I might as well embrace hockey, though. Though Orlando is supposed to be a basketball town, I guess it’s better to watch a team with players whose names you can’t pronounce rather than a team that traded away every good player to free up cap space.

“Great news! By trading our best center, power forward, and shooting guard, who have a ton of cap room to sign free agents this offseason!”

“Good thing, because we need to find ourselves a good center, power forward, and shooting guard.”

  1. March 23, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    See, here I am writing about how hard it is to write funny and you manage to do it every time, even if your posts are only coming along quarterly now 😉 You could go to Braves spring training games instead. Though I do like hockey– I still don’t understand all the rules.
    (This is the blogger formerly known as jasonwrites, btw :))

    • March 23, 2013 at 6:24 pm

      Thanks, J—n. I do go to Braves spring training games, but it angers me that the tickets are more expensive than going to a regular-season game in Atlanta (thanks a lot, Disney).

  2. March 23, 2013 at 7:28 pm

    Oh come on, hockey players are just Disney on ice flunk outs. On occasion you get to see a tooth knocked out. Then again, you don’t see me standing around my dentist office waiting for a tooth to be pulled. So why the heck would I want to ice dancers do it?

    Nice to see you post again. I don’t know you offended with your last post, other than me with the kate thing ;), but I miss your sunshine.

    • March 23, 2013 at 7:34 pm

      Yeah, I think the Disney on Ice skaters who couldn’t handle any of the jumps or other fancy tricks decide to play hockey. It’s a little more macho, but you still skate for a living.

      I forgot that you were also offended by my last post. It was more dangerous than I thought!

      • March 23, 2013 at 7:43 pm

        I should know better to get between you Kate. It was my own fault.

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