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Government Saves Us From Low Food Prices

August 18, 2011 Leave a comment

America, we have a problem. Our food is too cheap. You might not have noticed that due to your skyrocketing grocery bills, but luckily the federal government is on top of the problem so you don’t have to worry about it.

This year, chicken farmers raised too much chicken. Chicken production increased 4% from last year, but demand has decreased, probably because in this economy people can’t afford luxuries like meat. Because the supply is above the demand, in a free market the price of chicken would drop, perhaps even to a level that would allow people to buy it. The government couldn’t have that, though, so the Department of Agriculture stepped in and bought $40 million worth of chicken. That did away with the problem of low food prices so the farmers could still make their money and consumers could continue enjoying their Ramen noodles. Read more…

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Rick Perry wins Iowa Republican presidential debate

August 12, 2011 Leave a comment

If you skipped the Republican presidential debate last night, you missed a lot. Tim Pawlenty offered to mow Romney’s lawn, Romney said he won’t eat Obama’s dog food, Rick Santorum positioned himself as the Eeyore Candidate, and Newt Gingrich made it be known that he doesn’t like answering questions, which is awkward for a debate.

Gingrich spent more time sparring with the moderators than answering questions or addressing his differences from the other candidates. Newt didn’t like the “gotcha questions,” which is what he calls any questions that make him look bad, which is to say all of them. Still, Newt did surprisingly well in the debate in the rare times that he did answer questions, by bringing up his accomplishments as Speaker of the House, including pushing through tax cuts and reforms during the Clinton administration. Read more…

I blame Jerry Bruckheimer for the Casey Anthony verdict

July 6, 2011 5 comments

Jerry has some explaining to do

Apparently there are only 12 people on the planet who are not certain that Casey Anthony murdered her daughter, Caylee. Unfortunately, all of those 12 people were conveniently located in the jury. Despite overwhelming evidence that no reasonable person could look past, the jury still had a “reasonable doubt” that she was the killer. There is a lot of blame to go around for that insane verdict, where she wasn’t even convicted of child abuse, but mostly I blame Jerry Bruckheimer.

As executive producer, Bruckheimer is responsible for CSI, CSI: Miami, and CSI: New York as well as all of those other shows just like them. Putting those shows on TV is bad not only because it’s terrible television, but also because they are ruining our justice system. Lawyers call the phenomenon the “CSI Effect.”

When idiots at home watch Gil Grissom or whoever is on there now get DNA evidence and fingerprints off of a dust particle that was floating through the air, they expect real forensics to do the same. On TV, the crime scene guy always conjures up so much scientific proof that, faced with the evidence, the criminal breaks down and confesses on the spot. If Gil Grissom can get fingerprints off of air, why couldn’t the prosecutors scientifically prove that Casey killed her daughter? Read more…