Archive for the ‘Silver Screen’ Category

Man of Steel not stainless

June 17, 2013 6 comments

Spoiler Alert: This review has a lot of spoilers. Like, a lot of them.

"I appreciate you looking in my eyes when you have x-ray vision."

“I appreciate you looking into my eyes even though you have x-ray vision.”

For those who were unimpressed with Man of Steel, seemingly everyone had a different moment where they realized the movie was going to suck. For some, it was when they first saw General Zod. For others, it was the  lack of red underwear. For me, it was when I heard who was directing the movie.

While promoting Man of Steel, producer Christopher Nolan’s name has been arguably more prominent than that of director Zack Snyder. That was no accident. In order to sell tickets, they wanted the movie associated with the genius behind Inception, Memento, and the Dark Knight trilogy, not the guy who made a dumb comic into a dumb movie (300) and a weird comic into a bad movie (The Watchmen). Oh, and let’s not forget that he also directed a children’s cartoon about owls. Putting Zack Snyder at the helm ensures that the movie will look like crap, which is a problem here, but not nearly the largest one. Read more…


New Total Recall is a nightmare

August 27, 2012 5 comments

I finally saw the remake of Total Recall this weekend and it was a lot scarier than I expected. The original was all about Arnold Schwarzenegger pulling things out of his nose, trying to get his ass to Mars, and having his eyes bug out of his skull. The remake is much more harrowing.

Collin Ferrell plays Douglas Quaid (or does he?), an unskilled worker spending his days working on an assembly line creating Storm Troopers synthetic police officers. The one thing this poor schmuck has going for him is that he is married to the most beautiful woman on the planet, Lori, played by Kate Beckinsale. Then after visiting Rekall, he learns that his life as he knows it is a fake implanted memory. He’s not really Douglas Quaid and, worse yet, he’s not really married to Lori.

Quaid’s fantasy/ every man’s fantasy

This nightmare scenario is brought to us by director Len Wiseman, the real-life husband of Mrs. Beckinsale. With Total Recall, he plays out his deepest, darkest fear: that his marriage to Kate Beckinsale isn’t real. In the movie, when Lori comes clean about the deception, she taunts Quaid by saying “did you really think a loser like you would be married to someone like me?” Again, this is an idea that surely haunts Wiseman, an untalented director who is only allowed to make movies because he is able to easily cast his wife. Read more…

What will happen at the Batman midnight movie

July 19, 2012 2 comments

I don’t know if you noticed, but apparently a new Batman movie comes out tomorrow. It’s gotten hardly any media attention, so I understand if you didn’t know. For some reason, a lot of people will see it at midnight tonight, because that’s the earliest time the theaters can show the movie (aside from special screenings). Anyone going to a midnight screening is basically saying “I’ve waited four years for this movie already, but I cannot possibly wait one more day.” I think I’ve only been to a midnight screening once, but I can still predict what your experience will be like if you see The Dark Knight Rises tonight.


You arrive for the movie at 10:00. What? You didn’t think you’d show up close to midnight, did you? No way. You are seeing the movie with people that are so impatient that they can’t wait until a normal time on Friday, so there will be a line. A long line.

You stand in line. Hopefully enough of your friends showed up together so you have someone to talk to. If not, you’ll get to know the fanboy in front of you pretty well, as he tells you all of the spoilers that he read online. Yes, please. You’ve been waiting four years for this movie; by all means, ruin it hours beforehand with spoilers. Then you have two options: Read more…

Chris Cornell and Steve Carell Are Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

June 23, 2012 3 comments

Yesterday, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World opened in theaters nationwide. The movie stars Steve Carell and Keira Knightley (in a rare non-period piece) as two people looking to make the most of their last days on Earth.

You see, an asteroid is going to hit Earth and destroy the planet, because for some reason NASA doesn’t have any oil drillers handy to blow it up (where the hell are you when we need you, Bruce Willis?). Carell, I imagine, is a 40-plus-year-old guy still trying to lose his virginity before the world ends. As for Knightley, she’s just glad she doesn’t have to spend her last few days wearing a corset.

If the title of the movie sounds familiar, that’s because it is. It is taken from a line in the Chris Cornell song “Preaching the End of the World,” off his criminally underrated solo debut Euphoria Morning. Here’s hoping the film is better than the last movie named after a Chris Cornell song. The 1996 romantic comedy Feeling Minnesota, starring Keanu Reeves and Cameron Diaz, was named after a line in the Soundgarden song “Outshined.”

Avengers Review

Surprisingly, The Avengers doesn’t suck. I know, I know. It’s made eleventy billion dollars in theaters so far, but James Cameron’s tree-hugging crapfest Avatar made a killing too, so that’s usually no indication of artistic merit. Admittedly, I knew almost nothing of the Avengers going into the movie, other than being disappointed that it didn’t feature Uma Thurman in a leather catsuit (wrong Avengers, it turns out). Instead we get Scarlett Johansson in a skintight catsuit, which is actually an upgrade (despite the lack of leather).

Hot Avenger in bad movie

Hot Avenger in good movie

Disney had been building up to The Avengers for years by introducing each character in their own god-awful movie. Given the standard formula that the more characters are in a superhero movie, the more it sucks, it was a bad omen to see 7 comic heroes on the movie poster. I was wrong to doubt Joss Whedon, though.

Whedon’s script is as devoted to character development and drama as to blowing things up. His trademark nuance made the film more than the sum of its parts. Sure, pretty much all of Manhattan is destroyed by a creepy alien race, but my favorite scenes are of Natasha Romanoff’s manipulation during reverse-interrogations and Tony Stark’s smarmy toying with Bruce Banner. Read more…

Wardrbobe Malfunctions in Comic Book Movies

August 8, 2011 2 comments

Recently a photo of Catwoman from the upcoming The Dark Knight Rises was leaked onto the Internet. As expected, it caused an uproar, because Comic book fans don’t like costumes to be messed with. Even though I’m not a comic geek, I usually side with them on this issue. I mean, what’s the point of adapting material and not staying true to the source? Sure, you can say, it’s just a costume. What does it matter what they wear?

It does matter, though, because the costumes are iconic. Let’s stray outside of comics for perspective. What if they made a new Indiana Jones movie where Indy didn’t wear a leather jacket and fedora? People would be screaming bloody murder and I would be one of them. What if in the new James Bond movie, 007 walked around in shorts and a T-shirt? Sure, it’s just clothes, but it’s not Bond without the dapper tuxes and suits.

That brings us back to Catwoman. When I think of the character, I think of a woman in a sleek and sexy catsuit. As I understand it, the suit can be either black, purple or gray. Some sort of mask, hood or ears should be used to give a feline impression, but the important thing is that she is jaw-droppingly hot. The character doesn’t really have much to offer other than her smoldering sexuality, so if the sight of Catwoman slinking into a room doesn’t make Bruce Wayne pitch a Bat Tent, they’re doing something wrong. Read more…

Captain America Review: Or Why Steroids Are Awesome

August 1, 2011 6 comments

Got roids?

In an era where performance-enhancing drugs have become so stigmatized, it’s great to see a film that boldly takes on a pro-juicing message. Captain America: The First Avenger is just that bold film. It’s the tale of Steve Rogers (Chris Evans), a scrawny kid that is unable to live his dream because of his small stature and lack of strength. After injecting a special serum, though, he becomes super strong and fast, gains confidence and then blossoms into an American icon. Basically, it’s an allegory for the life of Barry Bonds.

The film starts out with scientists in the Arctic discovering Captain America’s frozen body in a tease for the most unnecessary “surprise” ending in history. The rest of the movie is a flashback, where we see little Steve unable to enlist or get the attention of women because he has not yet become a buff steroid-user. Inexplicably, the scientist who gives him the roids stresses how important it is that Rogers not change who he is on the inside. However, what was on the inside was not enough for women or his country until it was matched with a stronger exterior, so he’s a big hypocrite. Read more…