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Shame on you hockey players

March 23, 2013 5 comments

Well, I just got an email saying I paid to auto-renew my domain name (which is important, because “stealing pesos out of my brain” is huge in SEO searches). Since I’m paying for this website, I might as well use it. Hopefully this post goes over better than my last one, which I think accidentally offended some friends. To play it safe, I’ll do something that will offend no one but Canadians: make fun of hockey.

Over the last few months, I’ve been to several hockey games, because Orlando has a minor league team for some reason. I don’t really know much about hockey, since I’m from Florida, so it’s been a learning experience. I’m used to knowing all of the rules and strategy for sports, but for hockey it’s all arbitrary. It’s totally cool to purposely slam a guy into the wall, but you can’t punch him. You can knock a guy down, but you can’t trip him or pull him down. Breakaways are a great way to score a goal, but you’re penalized if one of your teammates tried to help you out by skating ahead of you. Basically hockey is a less retarded version of soccer. Read more…

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Braves-Cardinals game proof Wild Card Game is illegitimate

October 6, 2012 5 comments

Too mad to caption this

Something ugly happened last night in Atlanta. No, I’m not talking about the Braves fans embarrassing themselves by acting like Phillies fans in response to the worst call in Major League history. I’m not even talking about that terrible infield fly rule call. I’m talking about the culmination of a terrible mistake that was made in the offseason: the Wild Card Game itself.

As soon as I heard about the league’s plan to add a second Wild Card team and have a one-game Wild Card Playoff, I was furious. Single-elimination games in baseball make no sense. Baseball is a game of adjustments. It’s played over 162 games and hundreds of at-bats. It’s not like basketball where you can count on LeBron to go out and score 20+ points every game. It’s not like football, where you can count on Aaron Rodgers to throw for 250+ yards every game. In baseball, the best hitters will fail to get a hit about 70% of the time. Slumps and hot streaks are common by good, bad, and average teams, but over the course of a long season, things even out: The best teams win the most games. Read more…

Dear Michelle Jenneke

July 26, 2012 7 comments

michelle jenneke dancingDear Michelle Jenneke,

I know this may seem sudden, because we’ve just met – and by meeting I mean I’ve seen videos of you on the Internet – but I think I love you. Well, maybe not love, but there’s definitely a desire. And it’s not even really sexual, like with most of the celebrities I meet on the Internet. I just want to cuddle, watch bad reality TV shows about housewives that I pretend to like just because you do, eat ice cream, and take you to meet my mom. Is that weird?

I’ve never felt this way about a hurdler before, Shelly – can I call you Shelly? Actually, I don’t think I’ve known of a hurdler before. Once time in gym class they had the hurdles set up on the track and I tried to jump over one even though the teacher told us all not to. I hit it and fell on my face, so I have the utmost respect for your athletic talent. In a way, watching you compete makes me also fall on my face in love. Read more…

How to survive going to a baseball game

July 13, 2011 3 comments

Beware of flying bats

A friend of mine is going to a Rays baseball game this weekend (though she’ll be rooting for the evil Red Sox). As far as I know, it will be her first time at a Major League Baseball game, so I wanted to caution her against the dangers of attending a baseball game.

Being at a baseball game can be dangerous, and not just because some Phillies fan might vomit on you as punishment for rooting against his team. There are a lot of things to consider to protect your life and property.

For starters, if you are parking and some guy offers to “watch your car” or “wash your windshield” or anything like that for a few bucks, pay him. I don’t care if he wants $5 to write “Yankees suck” on the dirty windshield with his penis, pay him. You are at his mercy. Once you park, you will leave your car and spend a few hours in a stadium where the car is out of sight. That gives him plenty of time to key your car or steal something from inside it. Don’t make him mad. Read more…