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Posts Tagged ‘artsy pesos’

Man of Steel not stainless

June 17, 2013 6 comments

Spoiler Alert: This review has a lot of spoilers. Like, a lot of them.

"I appreciate you looking in my eyes when you have x-ray vision."

“I appreciate you looking into my eyes even though you have x-ray vision.”

For those who were unimpressed with Man of Steel, seemingly everyone had a different moment where they realized the movie was going to suck. For some, it was when they first saw General Zod. For others, it was the  lack of red underwear. For me, it was when I heard who was directing the movie.

While promoting Man of Steel, producer Christopher Nolan’s name has been arguably more prominent than that of director Zack Snyder. That was no accident. In order to sell tickets, they wanted the movie associated with the genius behind Inception, Memento, and the Dark Knight trilogy, not the guy who made a dumb comic into a dumb movie (300) and a weird comic into a bad movie (The Watchmen). Oh, and let’s not forget that he also directed a children’s cartoon about owls. Putting Zack Snyder at the helm ensures that the movie will look like crap, which is a problem here, but not nearly the largest one. Read more…

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MTV VMA recap from someone who didn’t watch it

September 7, 2012 Leave a comment

You might have seen this guy in something

Last night MTV held their annual Video Music Awards ceremony, even though they stopped showing music videos long ago. If you’re like most people, you missed the ceremony, so allow this recap to catch you up. As a slight caveat, I didn’t actually watch the ceremony, either, so this recap is based mostly on speculation.

As proof of how far the network has fallen, the show was hosted by Kevin Hart, who is supposedly a comedian but is best known as that guy who you saw in line at Wal-Mart. Rihanna was the night’s big winner, mostly because she wasn’t abused by her boyfriend before the show. She also took home the Video of the Year award for a song called “We Found Love,” the video for which can be found on YouTube. Read more…

Proof that Yeasayer is about to hit big

September 4, 2012 8 comments

You can tell that Yeasayer is about to get big, because Pitchfork has turned on them. The Brooklyn psychedelic pop band has been respected and critically acclaimed for years, but they have always lacked mainstream notoriety. The prognosticators at Pitchfork apparently are convinced that Yeasayer is going to crossover soon, and therefore considered it their duty to spurn the band like a disloyal lover.

For those not familiar with Pitchfork Media, they consider themselves musical tastemakers but really they are nothing but uber-hipsters. The writers at Pitchfork only rave about indie bands’ debut albums so they can come back later, stroke their ironic mustaches, call their sophomore album disappointing, and state that the band isn’t as good as it used to be. Read more…

New Total Recall is a nightmare

August 27, 2012 5 comments

I finally saw the remake of Total Recall this weekend and it was a lot scarier than I expected. The original was all about Arnold Schwarzenegger pulling things out of his nose, trying to get his ass to Mars, and having his eyes bug out of his skull. The remake is much more harrowing.

Collin Ferrell plays Douglas Quaid (or does he?), an unskilled worker spending his days working on an assembly line creating Storm Troopers synthetic police officers. The one thing this poor schmuck has going for him is that he is married to the most beautiful woman on the planet, Lori, played by Kate Beckinsale. Then after visiting Rekall, he learns that his life as he knows it is a fake implanted memory. He’s not really Douglas Quaid and, worse yet, he’s not really married to Lori.

Quaid’s fantasy/ every man’s fantasy

This nightmare scenario is brought to us by director Len Wiseman, the real-life husband of Mrs. Beckinsale. With Total Recall, he plays out his deepest, darkest fear: that his marriage to Kate Beckinsale isn’t real. In the movie, when Lori comes clean about the deception, she taunts Quaid by saying “did you really think a loser like you would be married to someone like me?” Again, this is an idea that surely haunts Wiseman, an untalented director who is only allowed to make movies because he is able to easily cast his wife. Read more…

What will happen at the Batman midnight movie

July 19, 2012 2 comments

I don’t know if you noticed, but apparently a new Batman movie comes out tomorrow. It’s gotten hardly any media attention, so I understand if you didn’t know. For some reason, a lot of people will see it at midnight tonight, because that’s the earliest time the theaters can show the movie (aside from special screenings). Anyone going to a midnight screening is basically saying “I’ve waited four years for this movie already, but I cannot possibly wait one more day.” I think I’ve only been to a midnight screening once, but I can still predict what your experience will be like if you see The Dark Knight Rises tonight.

10:00

You arrive for the movie at 10:00. What? You didn’t think you’d show up close to midnight, did you? No way. You are seeing the movie with people that are so impatient that they can’t wait until a normal time on Friday, so there will be a line. A long line.

You stand in line. Hopefully enough of your friends showed up together so you have someone to talk to. If not, you’ll get to know the fanboy in front of you pretty well, as he tells you all of the spoilers that he read online. Yes, please. You’ve been waiting four years for this movie; by all means, ruin it hours beforehand with spoilers. Then you have two options: Read more…

Insurer worried about Katy Perry’s boobs

July 16, 2012 3 comments

Katy shows off cupcakes

You love Katy Perry’s boobs, I love Katy Perry’s boobs, and Katy certainly loves them, but not everyone feels the same. There is one party that is less than enamored with the singer’s greatest assets: her insurer. Well, okay, there are actually two, if you count your girlfriend.

Ms. Perry’s insurer is worried that the bras she wears onstage pose potential health risks. You see, Katy Perry’s breasts are the biggest part of her act. Her boobs shoot whipped cream, shoot fireworks, sell 11 million records, sell magazines, and can even make Elmo scandalous. She’s like a mammary MacGyver. It seems that there is nothing Katy Perry’s boobs cannot do. Read more…

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Chris Cornell and Steve Carell Are Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

June 23, 2012 3 comments

Yesterday, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World opened in theaters nationwide. The movie stars Steve Carell and Keira Knightley (in a rare non-period piece) as two people looking to make the most of their last days on Earth.

You see, an asteroid is going to hit Earth and destroy the planet, because for some reason NASA doesn’t have any oil drillers handy to blow it up (where the hell are you when we need you, Bruce Willis?). Carell, I imagine, is a 40-plus-year-old guy still trying to lose his virginity before the world ends. As for Knightley, she’s just glad she doesn’t have to spend her last few days wearing a corset.

If the title of the movie sounds familiar, that’s because it is. It is taken from a line in the Chris Cornell song “Preaching the End of the World,” off his criminally underrated solo debut Euphoria Morning. Here’s hoping the film is better than the last movie named after a Chris Cornell song. The 1996 romantic comedy Feeling Minnesota, starring Keanu Reeves and Cameron Diaz, was named after a line in the Soundgarden song “Outshined.”