Posts Tagged ‘funny pesos’

Being single over 30 means doing things alone

March 24, 2015 3 comments
The Loneliest Number

One is the loneliest number

I’ve written before about the unique challenges of being single over the age of 30. One aspect I failed to address is that singles over 30 need to get used to doing things alone. Since most of your friends are married, making plans with them is a lot more difficult. When you’re younger, making plans with a friend simply meant picking up the phone and calling (back then we still used phones as phones), and within the hour you were doing something together. At this age, you need to send a Google Calendar meeting invitation weeks in advance.

“Hey, I see that you’re available from 6:00 to 7:00 on the 12th. Do you want to hang out?”

“Sure, but let’s make it 6:00 to 6:50. At 7:00 my wife and I are picking out new candle sets for the living room and I don’t want to be late.”

That means if you want to do something other than sit on the couch petting your dog while you binge watch House of Cards (no spoilers – I’ve only seen Season One!), you’ll have to do some things by yourself. It isn’t easy, though, since from an early age you’re taught that being alone is weird. Let’s face it, you don’t want to be the adult equivalent of the kid sitting in the corner by himself during recess squeezing Elmer’s glue on his fingers so he can peel it off when it dries.

I’ll be honest. I’m just now getting used to eating alone. Generally I’ll get food to-go even if there’s nowhere I need to be, so people don’t see me at a table by myself and wonder.

“Why is he all by himself? Doesn’t he have friends? I bet he’s a serial killer. He looks like a serial killer!” Read more…

Categories: Musings Tags: , ,

Jeremy’s Loose Pesos: A try at improv blogging

January 12, 2014 6 comments

Since the last post I wrote was such a downer and I’d like people to stop worrying about me, I decided to write something (hopefully) funny again. To that end, I’ve come up with a rapid response blog game. I’m using an online topic generator to bring up random writing prompts and on each topic I’m writing a short paragraph on the spot without taking time to think about it. I’m writing whatever pops into my head, but the goal is for whatever pops into my head to be funny or interesting. So think of it as written improv and like all improv, it should either be really fun or a total disaster.

Traffic. People have been trying to figure out how to stop speeding but with no success. I think it’s because we’re going about it all wrong. Speed limit signs give us a goal, as in “sweet, I can go at least 10 mph over that before I get a ticket.” Even our speedometer hurts the cause. The needle pointing to increasing numbers gives us a competitive mentality, like we’re playing a game. “Woo hoo! I got 95 in a school zone. That’s a new high score!” The only way to reduce speeding is to remove numbers and instead tell us what the result would be if we hit a tree at that speed. You’re driving 30 mph? Nope. According to my car, I’m driving a speed called “bent fender and minor concussion.” Willing to risk driving 80 mph on the highway? Maybe, but would you if it was called “eat all future meals from a straw?” Read more…

The advantages of being depressed

January 7, 2014 13 comments

The worst thing about depression is the stock photos

As I lie here in my pajamas with my dog on my lap and my notebook sitting next to a half-empty glass of wine, it occurred to me that people don’t look at the positives of clinical depression. Sure, we all know what the downsides are. Your friends keep asking what’s wrong and won’t take “I’m fine” for an answer, just because it’s obvious you’re lying. You quit going to work, get fired, get evicted from your house, and end up living under a bridge while eating road kill over a campfire. You know, that kind of thing. What most people don’t realize is that there are benefits to depression as well.

5. You have more free time. One of the most frequent complaints I hear from people is that there “just isn’t enough time in the day.” That’s not the case when you’re depressed. When you spend all your time at home, lying in bed or catching up on the shows on your DVR, you have nothing but free time. Since you don’t do anything all day, you have plenty of free time to do anything you want to do, which is more nothing.
Read more…

Do you like to be scared?

October 20, 2013 4 comments

Halloween Horror NightsI’m currently in the process of trying to convince someone that she wants to go to Halloween Horror Nights with me. I started the pitch with perhaps the dumbest question I could have asked: “So, do you like being scared?”

Pretty much everyone who refuses haunted houses, roller coasters and horror movies does so by saying the same thing: “I don’t like being scared.” To be honest, I’m not sure anyone likes being scared. We enjoy fake simulations of scares. I don’t think anyone who gets mugged thinks that was such a rush! Tomorrow night I’m walking down a dark alley to see if that can happen again! Read more…

What makes you happy?

August 19, 2013 Leave a comment

Stuart-SmalleyEvery day when I come home from work, my dog greets me wagging her tail, excitedly jumping around and hoping I don’t notice that she pulled my (insert object of the day here) off the counter and chewed it into pieces. Just once, I wish I could be that happy. I wish anything made me as happy as my dog gets by getting to sniff some grass. Could anyone be that happy? Is it even possible?

Throughout most of my life, I’ve thought of happiness — true happiness — to be kind of like a fancy Porsche: I recognize its awesomeness when I see it, but realize I could never have it myself. But maybe I was looking at happiness the wrong way. Maybe it’s more obtainable; I just have to know where to look. Read more…

Writing posts like these definitely isn’t going to make people want to marry me

August 11, 2013 3 comments

I was at another wedding yesterday, because as I get older I’m quickly running out of single friends. Most of you know that I have a love-hate relationship with weddings. I love the idea of formally declaring your commitment before friends, family, and God. I love getting to see all of the friends and family there. But I hate some of the expectations, such as the idea that I have to dance while I’m there. Also ties. Who was it that decided men’s formal attire should involve wearing a pretty noose around our necks that slightly strangles us throughout the evening? Of course, I’ll get no sympathy from the women, since high heels are even more ridiculous.

This time, I was lucky enough to be given a job at the reception. The groom asked me to do the stage lighting for the dance floor, which basically meant there were a few buttons I had to push every now and then. More importantly, it gave me an excuse to do something other than dancing. Read more…

Categories: Musings Tags: , , ,

Shame on you hockey players

March 23, 2013 5 comments

Well, I just got an email saying I paid to auto-renew my domain name (which is important, because “stealing pesos out of my brain” is huge in SEO searches). Since I’m paying for this website, I might as well use it. Hopefully this post goes over better than my last one, which I think accidentally offended some friends. To play it safe, I’ll do something that will offend no one but Canadians: make fun of hockey.

Over the last few months, I’ve been to several hockey games, because Orlando has a minor league team for some reason. I don’t really know much about hockey, since I’m from Florida, so it’s been a learning experience. I’m used to knowing all of the rules and strategy for sports, but for hockey it’s all arbitrary. It’s totally cool to purposely slam a guy into the wall, but you can’t punch him. You can knock a guy down, but you can’t trip him or pull him down. Breakaways are a great way to score a goal, but you’re penalized if one of your teammates tried to help you out by skating ahead of you. Basically hockey is a less retarded version of soccer. Read more…