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Posts Tagged ‘Kate Beckinsale’

New Total Recall is a nightmare

August 27, 2012 5 comments

I finally saw the remake of Total Recall this weekend and it was a lot scarier than I expected. The original was all about Arnold Schwarzenegger pulling things out of his nose, trying to get his ass to Mars, and having his eyes bug out of his skull. The remake is much more harrowing.

Collin Ferrell plays Douglas Quaid (or does he?), an unskilled worker spending his days working on an assembly line creating Storm Troopers synthetic police officers. The one thing this poor schmuck has going for him is that he is married to the most beautiful woman on the planet, Lori, played by Kate Beckinsale. Then after visiting Rekall, he learns that his life as he knows it is a fake implanted memory. He’s not really Douglas Quaid and, worse yet, he’s not really married to Lori.

Quaid’s fantasy/ every man’s fantasy

This nightmare scenario is brought to us by director Len Wiseman, the real-life husband of Mrs. Beckinsale. With Total Recall, he plays out his deepest, darkest fear: that his marriage to Kate Beckinsale isn’t real. In the movie, when Lori comes clean about the deception, she taunts Quaid by saying “did you really think a loser like you would be married to someone like me?” Again, this is an idea that surely haunts Wiseman, an untalented director who is only allowed to make movies because he is able to easily cast his wife. Read more…

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The Great Panera Birthday Letdown

August 22, 2011 11 comments

Today I was excited to get an email from Panera Bread, because when you are a 30-year-old single guy with no family and a job that’s more boring than a Moby song, something like this can actually get you excited. It’s my birthday in two days, so Panera sent me an email wishing me a happy birthday. That was very nice of them, and also surprising, since I haven’t received a birthday card from any family or friends.

The email said they put a special birthday surprise on my Panera card, so I had to head over there to find out what the surprise was. I had all kinds of ideas in my head, but was prepared for being let down, because it would be hard for Panera to deliver what I was imagining.

“♫ Happy Birthday… ♫”

Was it what I was looking for? Not exactly. By not letting me know what the prize is, they let my imagination run wild, so I imagined the best fantasy birthday present that Panera Bread could offer. So while the free pastry was nice, it doesn’t top Kate Beckinsale popping out of a birthday cake, singing happy birthday to me and then feeding me soup. And in case you’re wondering, Kate was dressed as her character from Underworld. Hey, those movies may not be much plot-wise, but they’re fun to look at.

I suppose I was expecting too much from a company that pushes overpriced (but tasty) deli sandwiches and salads. If there is one restaurant that could offer a worthy birthday surprise, it would be Hooters, where food is secondary to boobs, tights and 80’s track shorts. Or someplace with an awesome New York Strip. Unfortunately, though I love pretty much everything else about Hooters, their food sucks. And since that’s kind of important for a restaurant, I don’t eat there. Read more…