Posts Tagged ‘Katy Perry’

The slutty, bisexual friend of letters

September 11, 2012 5 comments

If you’ve ever had to participate in a field sobriety test, you gain a new appreciation for the alphabet and the importance of each letter. Our alphabet is no longer a weird sing-along song you learn in school with an obscure “elemeno” part. Personally, I’ve always thought it was the “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” of kindergarten songs.  During a field sobriety test, you focus on each letter of the alphabet and take the time to consider each one; well, that and try not to fall down.

If you look past the theme song and the elemeno and really analyze our alphabet, you’ll come to the conclusion that the person who invented it was on drugs. First, let’s consider the names: W. Double U? Look at the two letters for a second. Does W actually look the same as two U’s (my apologies to Joe Pesci)? Maybe I could forgive the letter getting that stupid name if it didn’t come right after the letter that it actually does look like two of: Read more…


MTV VMA recap from someone who didn’t watch it

September 7, 2012 Leave a comment

You might have seen this guy in something

Last night MTV held their annual Video Music Awards ceremony, even though they stopped showing music videos long ago. If you’re like most people, you missed the ceremony, so allow this recap to catch you up. As a slight caveat, I didn’t actually watch the ceremony, either, so this recap is based mostly on speculation.

As proof of how far the network has fallen, the show was hosted by Kevin Hart, who is supposedly a comedian but is best known as that guy who you saw in line at Wal-Mart. Rihanna was the night’s big winner, mostly because she wasn’t abused by her boyfriend before the show. She also took home the Video of the Year award for a song called “We Found Love,” the video for which can be found on YouTube. Read more…

Sushi makes me stupid

August 14, 2012 8 comments

So apparently some people like to eat sushi. That’s what I keep hearing, anyway. I’m never sure if the people saying it really feel that way, though. It’s kind of like when people say they like Radiohead. You never know if they’re really a fan or if they just think it makes them cool to say they like the band (for the record, I like Radiohead… No, really).

I think some people say they like sushi because it makes them seem cultured and sophisticated. Other people actually like the food. To be honest, I’ve never seen the point. After all, one of mankind’s greatest achievements was harnessing fire. That allowed man to cook food and no longer have to eat raw mastodon, which was great, because fighting off attacking dinosaurs is much easier when you’re not sick from food poisoning. Choosing to eat food raw would be like riding a horse and buggy to work. Sure, you can do it if you want, but doing so when we invented a much better form of transportation just seems odd.

King Louie knew importance of man’s red fire

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Insurer worried about Katy Perry’s boobs

July 16, 2012 3 comments

Katy shows off cupcakes

You love Katy Perry’s boobs, I love Katy Perry’s boobs, and Katy certainly loves them, but not everyone feels the same. There is one party that is less than enamored with the singer’s greatest assets: her insurer. Well, okay, there are actually two, if you count your girlfriend.

Ms. Perry’s insurer is worried that the bras she wears onstage pose potential health risks. You see, Katy Perry’s breasts are the biggest part of her act. Her boobs shoot whipped cream, shoot fireworks, sell 11 million records, sell magazines, and can even make Elmo scandalous. She’s like a mammary MacGyver. It seems that there is nothing Katy Perry’s boobs cannot do. Read more…

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Katy Perry Could Set Number 1’s Record

August 5, 2011 Leave a comment

This song’s great on mute

The pop crown may soon be shared. Katy Perry is on the verge of tying Michael Jackson’s record for the most #1 singles off the same album, with five. Of course, Rolling Stone reported that she would be breaking it, but do you really expect intelligent or accurate music journalism from them?

Back in 1987, Jackson had five #1 singles off the classic Bad, one of his best albums, released before we found out he was freaky. Now the fifth single from Perry’s Teenage Dream could reach #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. Appropriately, she might reach that milestone with the help of one of the worst things to happen to music. No, I don’t mean the Black Eyed Peas. I’m talking about the remix.

“Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)” is currently at #2 on the chart, but a recent remix featuring Missy Elliot has hit the radio. With the two versions combined (as Billboard does), it should be able to reach Number One next week.

To some, this is a sure sign of the music industry going to hell (for those who missed the obvious sign that is American Idol). Jackson’s Bad is a pop masterpiece and seeing the King of Pop’s record matched by Katy Perry’s boobs just doesn’t seem right. Aside from her lack of musical talent, I have nothing against Mrs. Perry. She’s quite comely, loves to wear sexy latex dresses onstage, and has music videos where her cleavage is the main star. In short, she’s everything I enjoy, except for that damned auto-tuned voice and predictable pop melodies. That’s why I get the most enjoyment out of her performances with the TV muted. Read more…