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Posts Tagged ‘sports’

Dear Michelle Jenneke

July 26, 2012 7 comments

michelle jenneke dancingDear Michelle Jenneke,

I know this may seem sudden, because we’ve just met – and by meeting I mean I’ve seen videos of you on the Internet – but I think I love you. Well, maybe not love, but there’s definitely a desire. And it’s not even really sexual, like with most of the celebrities I meet on the Internet. I just want to cuddle, watch bad reality TV shows about housewives that I pretend to like just because you do, eat ice cream, and take you to meet my mom. Is that weird?

I’ve never felt this way about a hurdler before, Shelly – can I call you Shelly? Actually, I don’t think I’ve known of a hurdler before. Once time in gym class they had the hurdles set up on the track and I tried to jump over one even though the teacher told us all not to. I hit it and fell on my face, so I have the utmost respect for your athletic talent. In a way, watching you compete makes me also fall on my face in love. Read more…

How to survive going to a baseball game

July 13, 2011 3 comments

Beware of flying bats

A friend of mine is going to a Rays baseball game this weekend (though she’ll be rooting for the evil Red Sox). As far as I know, it will be her first time at a Major League Baseball game, so I wanted to caution her against the dangers of attending a baseball game.

Being at a baseball game can be dangerous, and not just because some Phillies fan might vomit on you as punishment for rooting against his team. There are a lot of things to consider to protect your life and property.

For starters, if you are parking and some guy offers to “watch your car” or “wash your windshield” or anything like that for a few bucks, pay him. I don’t care if he wants $5 to write “Yankees suck” on the dirty windshield with his penis, pay him. You are at his mercy. Once you park, you will leave your car and spend a few hours in a stadium where the car is out of sight. That gives him plenty of time to key your car or steal something from inside it. Don’t make him mad. Read more…